Last week: 5-8 Season to date: 18-40-1.
Bye week: Kansas City, Minnesota, N.Y. Giants, Oakland
The White Sox are winning, the Blackhawks are losing (already), and the Bulls are planning their Halloween party without their Frankenstein, Eddy Curry. So I ask myself, “Self, why pay attention to pesky ol’ football with everything else that’s going on?”
I ask a follow-up (I’m on good terms with me): “When will you finish writing that self-help book with Kathie Lee Gifford?”
Pish posh, I say! Away with these engrossments, peasants, we are but five weeks into this nubile NFL season. Around these parts, we finish what we start, unless it’s road construction. Besides, it’s the first game back for the Bears, who made more strides toward a division title by taking a week off. Not kidding.
Mayhaps the Bears’ good fortunes will change my luck with picks of late. I wish I were kidding.
Here now, the picks.
BEARS (1-2) at Cleveland (1-2)
Noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: I guess Kyle Orton does know Jack–Daniels. But the Bears QB can’t be blamed for his “good time” in Iowa City, his play in Week 3 probably drove many to drink. But look up, Kyle, walk the chalk line at the 20-yard mark and repeat without slurring: “The Browns have the third worst defense in the league.” And just remember, they’re saying “boo,” not “booze.”
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Browns by 3, 35
FINAL SHAKE: Bears
MATCHUP: New Orleans (2-2) at Green Bay (0-4)
Noon
Brett Favre may be without as many as six offensive starters. And here the Saints are fresh out of pity.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Green Bay by 3, 4 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Packers
MATCHUP: Tampa Bay (4-0) at N.Y. Jets (1-3)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: Vinny Testaverde, the next time you get a call to play the team that drafted you in 1987–and, oh, just happens to have the No. 1 defense–hang up the phone. It’s like I keep telling Kelly Ripa, I’ll call you about a book if I ever write “101 Ways to Cross Your Legs.”
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Tampa Bay by 3, 3 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Bucs
MATCHUP: Seattle (2-2) at St. Louis (2-2)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: Rams QB Marc Bulger, who threw a franchise record 62 passes and 40 completions, would rather not to play catchup this week. Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren loves ketchup. And mustard. He’s not mad at any of the condiment family, actually.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: St. Louis ‘ by 3, 49 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Hawks
MATCHUP: New England (2-2) at Atlanta (3-1)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: Falcons QB Michael Vick believes his sprained right knee will be fine against the Patriots. So fine, in fact, that Ron Mexico may have to pay it a visit.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Atlanta by 3, 43 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Patriots
MATCHUP: Miami (2-1) at Buffalo (1-3)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Bills are giving QB J.P. Losman the hook for Kelly Holcomb. “I don’t think it’s a slap in the face,” WR Lee Evans says. You ever been slapped in the face, Lee? It feels just like being benched.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Buffalo by 2 1/2, 34
FINAL SHAKE: Fins
MATCHUP: Tennessee (1-3) at Houston (0-3)
Noon
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: Now this is riveting football. The Ravens average 10 points a game, and the Lions average 12 points. I have more points than that on my license. Detroit Lions by 11/2, 33
Pass rushers have sacked Texans QB David Carr 20 times already. He might want to invest in Carr insurance. Ugh. That’s the last time I take joke advice from Regis.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Houston by 3, 40 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Titans
MATCHUP: Indianapolis (4-0) at San Francisco (1-3)
3:05 p.m., WBBM-Ch. 2
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Colts defense is stellar, and Peyton Manning is throwing TDs again. The 49ers D is the NFL’s worst, and QB Alex Smith is making his first start. This can only end with a whole lot of ugly.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Indianapolis by 14 1/2, 46 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Colts
MATCHUP: Philadelphia (3-1) at Dallas (2-2)
3:15 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Eagles have won nine of the last 10 games against the Cowboys. But the Cowboys are also the last NFC East team to beat the Eagles (in 2003). So what does this all mean? You tell me.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Philadelphia by 3, 44
FINAL SHAKE: Eagles
MATCHUP: Carolina (2-2) at Arizona (1-3)
3:15 p.m
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Cardinals already had problems stopping the run, now their secondary has been ravaged by injuries. Need more proof that the Cardinals originated in Chicago?
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Carolina by 2 1/2, 43
FINAL SHAKE: Cats
MATCHUP: Washington (3-0) at Denver (3-1)
3:15 p.m
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Redskins’ Clinton Portis and the Broncos’ Champ Bailey are facing the teams that traded them. “I think both teams turned out pretty well,” Portis says. How diplomatic.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Denver ‘ by 7, 34 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Skins
MATCHUP: Cincinnati (4-0) at Jacksonville (2-2)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Bengals’ Carson Palmer is the only NFL QB to post a 100+ passer rating in every start. Late night’s Carson Daly is the only host to bomb in 100 percent of his monologues.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: Jacksonville by 3, 37
FINAL SHAKE: Jags
MATCHUP: Pittsburgh (2-1) at San Diego (2-2)
8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: The Chargers break out the powder blue 1960s uniforms. Also, Steelers RB Willie Parker says he used to race pit bulls, who are more PR hype than anything.
THE LINE/OVER-UNDER: San Diego by 3, 45 1/2
FINAL SHAKE: Steelers
