TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What could possibly provoke one NFL player to spit on another?
According to NFL rule 24.34a, a player can only spit on an opponent if he’s on fire.
Maybe Sean Taylor has a very pronounced lisp. See how that would lead to on-field conflicts.
Maybe the other player needed his facemask shined.
Who are we to judge?
If one said, “Spit on me, and I’ll give you $17,000,” and the other needed $17,000 to pay the fine.
Jimmy, do me a favor and sit still. There, right there.
HOOOOOO-ARK … THBT!
TOPIC 2: What’s the significance of the Corey Patterson trade?
Cub fans now must find another scapegoat. Kerry Wood, you’re on the clock.
He nicely fills the Orioles’ key position known as “free-swinging ex-Cub outfielder.”
Baltimore is renamed Shady Oaks and transformed into a retirement community for Cubs outfielders.
The last thing you want to be is “the Cubs’ top prospect.”
Corey who now?
TOPIC 3: U.S. skier Bode Miller has skied drunk. What else should you not do while intoxicated?
Go on a date with Leo. All hands. Just ask Phil.
Name your child Bode.
Re-enact the latest episode of “Iron Chef.”
Answer these questions. OK, no, no, no. Here’s my real answer. Ready? You’re very pretty.
Cheer at a game. Huge potential to say something regrettable, like, “You can do it, Hawks!”
TOPIC 4: What pair would’ve made you watch “Skating with Celebrities” this season?
Pamela Anderson’s.
Mike Tyson, just because he’s a buffoon now, and Irina Slutskaya, for the name alone.
A.J. Hawk and Brady Quinn, with Brady’s sister cheering while wearing pieces of both outfits.
Those two ex-Panther cheerleaders. Oh, c’mon, like nobody would tune in.
Panthers coach John Fox and a 15-foot crocodile.
TOPIC 5: Why do you think Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe split?
No! Uh, seriously, I had no idea. Really? Give me a minute,
I … NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Maybe she confused him with cheating pitcher Derek Lowe. He keeps women on the D. Lowe.
Kansas City offered Hilary a third-round draft choice and tickets to Cirque du Soleil.
One was a Bears fan, the other a Panthers fan. These things happen. Hil, call me. I’ll make tea.
He was tired of having her bench-press him.
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