RedEye reader Jose Guzman steps up for his shot at greatness in print. We love having readers volunteer, so if you’re ready and willing, e-mail us at redeyesports@tribune.com, and join the roster.
TOPIC 1: How is your NCAA bracket holding up?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sorry, but that’s confidential, classified and highly embarrassing.
Phillip Thompson: There’s a reason “bracket” rhymes with “straitjacket.”
Brian Moore: Better than yours.
Jose Guzman: With a couple of two-by-fours and a pair of rusty shackles.
Whizzer: I copied off Brian Moore when he wasn’t looking.
TOPIC 2: How is the NCAA tourney similar to Lollapalooza?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s all about young people in their underwear drinking from water bottles.
Phillip Thompson: “Sudden Death” can be a format at one venue, and a headliner at the other.
Brian Moore: Lots of opening acts, a few headliners, but not nearly enough bathrooms. Learned that the hard way.
Jose Guzman: Everybody gets excited for it. Then when it’s done, it’s as if it never happened.
Whizzer: One has drug testing, the other has drug experimentation.
TOPIC 3: Daunte Culpepper says he’s sorry even though he didn’t do anything wrong. What are you sorry for?
Jimmy Greenfield: I, too, am sorry for never taking a ride on the sex boat.
Phillip Thompson: I’m sorry, Barry Bonds, for needling you about taking steroids. But don’t get a big head.
Brian Moore: I’m sorry I’m so down on the Cubs. I mean, they just won the World Series last year, right?
Jose Guzman: I’m sorry for this girl in stats class that asked if 2 and 2 was 22.
Whizzer: Phil, I apologize for keying your car. Kidding. I didn’t really key Phil’s car. I keyed Jimmy’s car.
TOPIC 4: If the World Baseball Classic isn’t ‘classic,’ what is it then?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s a nuisance, irrelevant, useless, worthless. Take your pick.
Phillip Thompson: A whole new world of “disabled lists” for Mark Prior.
Brian Moore: A globe-hopping Spring Training, minus the fan interest.
Jose Guzman: It’s a real World Series just like the World Cup in soccer.
Whizzer: I’d say it’s moderately neat-o.
TOPIC 5: Mark Prior’s injury is a ‘strain.’ What does this mean?
Jimmy Greenfield: It means he’ll be out with a “strain” for the next three months.
Phillip Thompson: It’s a combination of words: a “pain” that Cubs management will “stretch” the truth about.
Brian Moore: “Strain” in Cubs language? He’s gonna have to have his arm amputated.
Jose Guzman: He doesn’t strain the water from his pasta. “Al Dente, mangiamo!”
Whizzer: He won’t move to the top of the list for the government’s secret bionic replacement program.
