TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What’s the biggest challenge for these young Cubs and Sox pitchers?
Jimmy Greenfield: Learning how to pitch like Mark Buehrle and drink like Kyle Farnsworth.
Phillip Thompson: High expectations. Sox guys, it’s strike counts. Cubs guys, keep your elbows from falling out.
Leo Ebersole: Dealing with the expectations that come with being champs. I guess that’s just for the Sox.
Bag Boy: When you autograph for kids, sign name only. Signing for the ladies? Add a hotel room number.
Evil Super Computer: Proper mechanics. I’ve got a guy at Dell. Call me, I’ll refer you.
TOPIC 2: The Bears’ exhibition season schedule is out. Rank the importance.
Jimmy Greenfield: More important than: The NHL regular season. Less important than: belly button lint.
Phillip Thompson: Game 1: Grossman hurt. Game 2: Griese trips over squirrel.
Leo Ebersole: Game 3: Cade McNown returns. Huge. Facing the 49ers and Cardinals should prepare them for the playoffs. Not.
Bag Boy: That schedule is crucial. I plan my nervous breakdowns around those games.
Evil Super Computer: No. 1: Global domination.
No. 2: Get Leno off the air.
No. 936: Preseason games.
TOPIC 3: Packers want to know if Brett Favre is retiring or not. What should Brett say?
Jimmy Greenfield: “Citizens of Green Bay, I BRING FORTH A MESSAGE! Go to sleep, I’ll call you in May.”
Phillip Thompson: I can’t commit until I know whether Jeff Foxworthy’s going on tour.
Leo Ebersole: “What? Suddenly I’m expected to make key decisions around here?”
Bag Boy: “I’m signing with the Bears.”
Evil Super Computer: “Control-alt-delete.” Get it? “Control-alt-delete.” Come on, that’s comedy gold right there.
TOPIC 4: What’s the first task for new Indiana coach Kelvin Sampson?
Jimmy Greenfield: Make a lowball offer for Mike Davis’ house.
Phillip Thompson: Harden his players with a tougher schedule, which means no Big Ten teams for the first season.
Leo Ebersole: Schedule Purdue four more times.
Bag Boy: Ditch the players’ circa 1976 striped warm-up pants. This ain’t Shakey’s Pizza.
Evil Super Computer: Hire me as an assistant coach, for I CAN DO THE WORK OF THREE MORTALS.
TOPIC 5: Give Sox fans an alternate way to get to Sunday’s opener.
Jimmy Greenfield: These are White Sox fans. They’re still walking on air.
Phillip Thompson: They could sky-dive into the stadium. It wouldn’t be that long a fall to the upper deck.
Leo Ebersole: You could try Bag Boy’s underground tunnel, but I think it leads to the American Girl Place.
Bag Boy: I may still be drunk from the Series, but how about forming the world’s biggest conga line?
Evil Super Computer: Tunnel under in a secret digging machine. I have blueprints. Come, join my legion.
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