TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Do you care if a Cubs pitcher gives up Bonds’ 714th or 715th home run?
Jimmy Greenfield: I don’t care if a Cubs pitcher gives up 714 home runs in one game. This season is over.
Phillip Thompson: It wouldn’t be like they gave up all 715 home runs. But they easily could have.
Leo Ebersole: Not unless he somehow also reveals what happens next on “Lost.” Then we have a problem.
Whizzer: Let me ask you this: Do the Cubs pitchers have any say in the matter?
Bag Boy: It would be embarrassing, humiliating, degrading and much like the last 98 years.
TOPIC 2: What will happen that finally convinces Augusta National to allow women?
Jimmy Greenfield: It is decreed that all contestants must wear a bag on their head, especially Greg Norman.
Phillip Thompson: Let them walk a mile in women’s shoes. Leo recommends the platform wedge this spring.
Leo Ebersole: When the club hosts a foam party, and the DJ plays “I’m In Love With a Stripper” to a room full of men.
Whizzer: Beats me. I can’t tell you humans apart from one another anyway.
Bag Boy: Hootie Johnson completes the finishing touches on his sex-change operation.
TOPIC 3: Who does Steve Nash remind you of?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sissy Spacek.
Phillip Thompson: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter in 30 years, give or take a few chromosomes.
Leo Ebersole: A guy any of us might go surfing with. If we surfed. And our bodies didn’t repulse everyone.
Whizzer: Steven Cojocaru.
Bag Boy: Actor William Fichtner. Trust me, look him up on imdb.com.
TOPIC 4: What athlete would you hire to run the CIA, and why?
Jimmy Greenfield: Ben Gordon, for his uncanny ability to disappear.
Phillip Thompson: Bears safety Mike Brown. No one knows more about defusing the long bomb.
Leo Ebersole: Jose Canseco. There’s a guy who knows the value of keeping a secret.
Whizzer: Ryan Theriot. Apparently, he’s the answer for everything.
Bag Boy: Terrell Owens. But only if they make it into a reality TV show.
TOPIC 5: What Chicago-related sports item would you put in a time capsule to be unearthed in 500 years?
Jimmy Greenfield: A time capsule of Chicago-related sports items to be unearthed 1,000 years from now.
Phillip Thompson: Something that would age well over time. Like Sammy Sosa’s bat–it’s corked.
Leo Ebersole: Ryan Dempster. Might as well keep him occupied between save opportunities.
Whizzer: Ozzie Guillen’s larynx.
Bag Boy: A Walter Payton helmet from the 1985 Bears. It’s like a non-biodegradable bag.
———-
E-mail the crew at redeyesports@tribune.com.
