TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What can we do to start an all-out brawl right here, right now?
Phillip Thompson: Cut funding to Leo’s rhythmic gymnastic recitals. I have video, if anyone’s interested.
Leo Ebersole: Brian’s looking at me kind of funny. No, wait, check that. That’s how he always looks.
Brian Moore: I dare anyone to try to steal Bag Boy’s bag.
Bag Boy: Tell me the Cubs have a shot at the playoffs, and I will tear up this page.
Stick Figure: Step on my foot again, Bag Boy, and I knock you into next week. Guaranteed.
TOPIC 2: SOX FANS ALREADY HAD THE BRAGGING RIGHTS. WHAT DID THIS WEEKEND GIVE THEM?
Phillip Thompson: Cubs cooties. Don’t worry, they only last 98 years.
Leo Ebersole: One-time urinating rights under the Waveland bleachers.
Brian Moore: Judging by the cheers at the Cell for the Cubs, more proof that they are few in number.
Bag Boy: The hearts of anyone who couldn’t figure out who to root for.
Stick Figure: Bags, the answer you were looking for was, “They now own the Cubs.” Moron.
TOPIC 3: Coming off this weekend, what performers do the cubs and sox remind you of most?
Phillip Thompson: Roseanne Barr and John Goodman in sweet embrace. But don’t let it happen again.
Leo Ebersole: The Cubs are Owen Wilson to the Sox’s Russell Crowe.
Brian Moore: The Sox are Jessica Simpson. The Cubs are pathetic but popular Nick Lachey.
Bag Boy: I see the Sox and think Tom Hanks in “Apollo 13.” The Cubs? I see “Forrest Gump.”
Stick Figure: “Hanks?” What the hell kind of answer is that, Bagsy Malone? Spend all day on that?
TOPIC 4: The sox replica uniforms from 1906. what’s the oldest piece of sports clothing you own?
Phillip Thompson: I kept a couple of old gym class T-shirts in case I ever forget what humiliation feels like.
Leo Ebersole: A No. 48 Stephen Davis Redskins jersey, part of a short-lived “I Love the Late ’90s” phase.
Brian Moore: Wrestling shoes circa 1988. Odor-eaters included.
Bag Boy: Got the boxers I wore when Walter Payton broke the rushing record. I am to be buried in them.
Stick Figure: I always go commando, not like the mama’s boy in the bag here. Gonna cry now, mama’s boy?
TOPIC 5: What can we expect when the sox play at Wrigley june 30?
Phillip Thompson: More mullets on Waveland. Please cover them up with bucket hats, like Cubs fans do.
Leo Ebersole: A steel cage in the infield, with Ozzie Guillen and A.J. Pierzynski dressed as the Hart Foundation.
Brian Moore: Don King sings for the 7th-inning stretch. He’ll be there anyway to promote the bout, er, game.
Bag Boy: The Sox silently circle the bases holding up the Series trophy. Stick Figure, move your foot.
Stick Figure: THAT’S IT, BROWNIE FACE! YOU GO DOWN RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
———-
E-mail redeyesports@tribune.com.
