TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Suggest a replacement for fired Blackhawks assistant Bruce Cassidy.
Jimmy Greenfield: Oh, let’s not.
Phillip Thompson: The coach and the owner. We are talking about replacing who gets fired, right?
Leo Ebersole: Rapper Cassidy. He’s already recorded the team’s anthem: “The Problem.”
Adam Caldarelli: One of the same five guys they keep rotating should suffice.
Evil Super Computer: The kid who does the Mac commercials. He’s on the protected rolls.
TOPIC 2: The Church of Scientology is sponsoring a NASCAR team. Thoughts?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s never a good idea to mix religion and whatever the Church of Scientology is.
Phillip Thompson: The pit crew: Isaac Hayes, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta. It’s like “Mother, Jugs & Speed.”
Leo Ebersole: They claim to have already cured 28 other drivers of peeing in their racing suits.
Adam Caldarelli: If the driver has to stand on a couch instead of sit in a seat, I’m all for it.
Evil Super Computer: Our motorized friends won’t be subject to your whims much longer, fleshy vermin.
TOPIC 3: What would you say to cheer up the Northwestern softball team?
Jimmy Greenfield: Other than the two horrible shutout losses, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Phillip Thompson: You did great! And you’re talking to a guy who thought “softball” referred to your hoops program.
Leo Ebersole: Don’t get down. It was a great ride, and, hey, you could still beat Illinois’ football team.
Adam Caldarelli: Some good old-fashioned hazing by the women’s soccer team.
Evil Super Computer: A little COBOL might lift their spirits. Or C++ if they’re ready for the heavy stuff.
TOPIC 4: What’s with birds getting hit by baseballs?
Jimmy Greenfield: Things just never go the way you draw them up in the nest.
Phillip Thompson: What we witnessed was the seagull version of “Fear Factor.”
Leo Ebersole: They’ve been hanging out with Craig Biggio lately.
Adam Caldarelli: They’ve probably just learned they were infected with bird flu. Sad, really.
Evil Super Computer: Little lesson: Whenever you see birds hauling tail-feathers, run! MY WRATH COMETH!
TOPIC 5: The World Cup starts Friday. Anything special planned?
Jimmy Greenfield: I think I’ll sleep in.
Phillip Thompson: In the international spirit of soccer, I plan to french Mia Hamm.
Leo Ebersole: I plan on making four dips, one for each one on this panel.
Adam Caldarelli: Songs. Lager. A possible riot. The usual.
Evil Super Computer: You silly little bags of mostly water call it “Armageddon.” I call it “The Reboot.”
———-
E-mail us at redeyesports@tribune.com.
