TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: How does Five on Five deal with a rookie who doesn’t follow orders?
Jimmy Greenfield: Throw at his head.
Phillip Thompson: Well, in Kareem’s defense, I can see how he confused “be funny” with “look goofy.”
Leo Ebersole: We ask that he sacrifice his box of soft-batch cookies. Kareem, tell us you brought cookies.
Whizzer: I asked Kareem to shave my back. He won’t. For refusing, he must now shave Jimmy’s back.
Kareem Burgess: They threaten to trade them to the Blackhawks.
TOPIC 2: Whose jaw should be wired shut?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’d say Jay Mariotti, but that’s way too obvious. So I’ll go with Jay Mariotti.
Phillip Thompson: Blowhards Jim Rome and Stephen A. Smith. And use barbed wire, please.
Leo Ebersole: Cubs management. Might as well keep it to yourselves.
Whizzer: Fmmm mmm, nmmm mmmme? Mff ommm ommm. MMM! MMM!
Kareem Burgess: Anyone who said Taylor Hicks belongs on a hottest bachelors list.
TOPIC 3: Give new Sox pitcher David Riske a nickname.
Jimmy Greenfield: “Charlotte,” in honor of Sean Tracey.
Phillip Thompson: “Frisky Riske.” Isn’t that the one you use, Kareem?
Leo Ebersole: “Luis Vizcaino II.”
Whizzer: “Opposing Batter Plunker.” Catch my drift, Riske?
Kareem Burgess: “The Scapegoat.”
TOPIC 4: Britney Spears says she’s an “emotional wreck.” How come?
Jimmy Greenfield: You know, I just don’t have the strength to answer this question.
Phillip Thompson: We’ve all seen how she drives. You sure she didn’t mean “car wreck?”
Leo Ebersole: Maybe it’s the paparazzi. Maybe it’s her deadbeat husband. Maybe it’s Blackhawks season tickets.
Whizzer: She just found out she owns 30 percent of the Cubs.
Kareem Burgess: She can’t decide between Jimmy, Phil and Leo. Whizzer’s more her type.
TOPIC 5: What’s an appropriate sports-themed Father’s Day gift?
Jimmy Greenfield: Father Growth Hormone (a.k.a. Viagra).
Phillip Thompson: Anna Kournikova. G’night, everybody!
Leo Ebersole: An authentic Saudi Arabian center midfielder.
Whizzer: I’d scoop up any old dirt and say it’s from “magic Wrigley Field dust.” Dads’ll believe anything.
Kareem Burgess: Hands down, it’s the fifth chair with the Five on Five knuckleheads.
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