With Chicago temperatures soaring, we’ve invited Mr. Broken Air Conditioner to join the panel. Why? Because he’s really got nothing better to do, that’s why. Visit us at chicagoredeye.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: Name the best part about being 41-year-old NHL goalie Dominik Hasek?
Jimmy Greenfield: Despite his age and status, it remains the Hawks trading him away lo’ these many years ago.
Phillip Thompson: Oh, the pranks you can play. Teammates can paint the pucks blue and tell him they’re Viagra.
Leo Ebersole: Being able to sleep through visits from the in-laws under the cover of his mask.
Bag Boy: At that age, there are no best parts. If I’m a millionaire and still working at 41, shoot me.
Mr. Broken Air Conditioner: Uh, I dunno.
TOPIC 2: What baseball trade didn’t get done that you wanted to see get done?
Jimmy Greenfield: Barry Bonds goes to San Quentin for a conviction to be adjudicated later.
Phillip Thompson: My three-way deal involving the Cubs, Team Jolie and the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Team.
Leo Ebersole: Dusty Baker to Beverly Hills for Eva Mendes.
Bag Boy: The Cubs’ Todd Walker for someone I’ve actually heard of.
Mr. Broken Air Conditioner: So, uh, what time is “Hell’s Kitchen” on?
TOPIC 3: If fantasy sports awarded points for scandal, which person would you draft No. 1?
Jimmy Greenfield: What a great question. My No. 1 pick: Baseball’s color barrier lasting until 1947.
Phillip Thompson: Steroids, alleged tax evasion and infidelity, Barry Bonds is a three-tool player. And I do mean “tool.”
Leo Ebersole: I’ve gotta go with the hot hand right now and take Zinedine Zidane’s forehead.
Bag Boy: Next year’s Tour de France winner. Buy low, sell high.
Mr. Broken Air Conditioner: Heads up, fellas. You guys are out of toilet paper.
TOPIC 4: Tigers got Sean Casey. What does this mean for the Sox?
Jimmy Greenfield: It means they’ll get to watch Sean Casey celebrate a division title.
Phillip Thompson: Detroit gets Mighty Casey and somehow we turn into Mudville.
Leo Ebersole: THROW AT HIS HEAD! DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, JUST DO IT!
Bag Boy: Nothing, but I blame all of the Sox’s setbacks on Mel Gibson.
Mr. Broken Air Conditioner: Not sure what’s for dinner, but you should know I’m allergic to shellfish.
TOPIC 5: Sports analogy time: Lindsay Lohan’s mom defending Lindsay is like …
Jimmy Greenfield: Jay Mariotti’s dad defending Jay. Wish I had that kind of vacation time, by the way.
Phillip Thompson: … trying to have dinner with agent Drew Rosenhaus: “Would I pass the salt? NEXT QUESTION!”
Leo Ebersole: … Barry Bonds’ trainer going to jail for him. Stark but true.
Bag Boy: Can I just take a moment to note that this never happened with the talented Lindsay Wagner.
Mr. Broken Air Conditioner: Uh, I dunno. Hey, I’m taking your last beer …
