1. April Schmapril
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with the Cubs and Sox: There’s no disabled list for entire teams!
2. As in “gin and …”
I have the tonic for what ails them. It’s not 100 percent effective but it is 50 proof.
3. Brave the cold
It hasn’t been all their fault. It was so chilly in April, homers fell 20 percent, according to Elias Sports Bureau. See? They needed an ice chipper, not Chipper Jones.
4. Brew crew
Why can NASCAR drivers shower a winner with beer, but fans can’t? Granted, the beer isn’t still in the can when the drivers do it, but still …
5. Then again …
NASCAR should ban those 14 fans who threw cans … for wasting good beer on Jeff Gordon.
6. No more than a misdemeanor
A Mets fan was banned for three years for shining a flashlight. In Philly, unless he throws the batteries, he gets off with a warning.
7. Here’s my pitch
It’s funny, this whole immigrant thing. Some don’t want them around — unless they can bat in the .300s.
8. Run (a route) and hide
Spider-Man thinks he’s so tough. But he hasn’t faced the worst villain of all: Moss Man!
9. Can’t get enough of him
Another villain: G-Reg the Rap-Tor!
FIVE THINGS …
… reasons to ban fans
– Belly hair
– Failure to do The Wave
– Inappropriate use of the No. 1 Finger
– Not fighting at a hockey game
– Reaching out for a foul ball in Game 6
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REDEYESPORTS@TRIBUNE.COM
