TOPIC 1: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A-ROD JOINED THE CUBS OR SOX?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Yankees would start winning again.
Phillip Thompson: D-Lee would be irate.
Leo Ebersole: They’d be in the same spot in the standings but down a few gallons of hair product.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Chicago baseball fans would be overcome by that cruel, fleeting feeling known as “hope.”
Bag Boy: That would make my “die happy” list, right below getting kneed by Scarlett Johansson.
TOPIC 2: GIVE LOU PINIELLA AND OZZIE GUILLEN SUITABLY ANGRY NICKNAMES.
Jimmy Greenfield: Lou would be “Red-Faced Fool” and Ozzie would be “Mariotti.”
Phillip Thompson: Crusty Baker and ZZ Blows-His-Top.
Leo Ebersole: McSteamy? Meet McShouty and McBleepy.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Boo Hoo Lou and Ozzie &(circumflex)#$%$#% Guillen.
Bag Boy: Whatsamatta Lou! and The Guillotine.
TOPIC 3: WHERE WILL THE BULLS BE A YEAR FROM NOW?
Jimmy Greenfield: Riding Greg Oden’s coattails past the Cavs. Hey, we’ve got a 1.9 percent shot at it.
Phillip Thompson: Facing new Cav Vince Carter, who leads the league in jumping sinking ships.
Leo Ebersole: Still in the first round after the NBA inevitably extends playoff series to best-of-nine.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Everywhere! Just like now.
Bag Boy: Watching Bruce Bowen and Robert Horry in a pay-per-view bout.
TOPIC 4: THE BULLS WERE ONCE CALLED THE BABY BULLS. WHAT ARE THEY NOW?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Toddler Bulls. Such a widdle cutie! Yes, you are!
Phillip Thompson: That Toddler Town, Chicago is.
Leo Ebersole: The Diet Bulls With Lime. It’s a marketing thing.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: The Get-My-Hopes-Up-Dash-Them-Then-Get-Them-Up-Again Bulls.
Bag Boy: They’re still the Baby Bulls, and they play at Madison Square Kindergarten.
TOPIC 5: THE LAST DAY TO QUALIFY FOR THE INDY 500 IS CALLED BUMP DAY. WHAT’S THAT MEAN?
Jimmy Greenfield: All the racers do a little dance. Make a little love. Then, you know, get down tonight.
Phillip Thompson: It’s when the drivers who fail to qualify have to drive across a speed bump at 220 mph.
Leo Ebersole: It means we’re that much closer to Grind Day.
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Hump Day was already taken — and let’s face it, racecar drivers aren’t the most creative bunch.
Bag Boy: It means they missed their opportunity for Bag Day. Fools.
