That’s the end of the Cubs-Sox rivalry for now. Thankfully no one lost an eye (that we know of). Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
JimmyGreenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: THE WHITE SOX AVOIDED THE SWEEP. WHAT DOES THAT GET THEM?
A less-severe tongue lashing from Ozzie “@#$%#@$” Guillen.
They get to return to the South Side in the team bus instead of an armored car.
Ozzie promises to get rid of the alien suit that turns him into Venom.
A day’s respite from the Blizzard of Ozzie.
If this were “Chicago Survivor,” they’d win immunity for the week. Adios, Blackhawks.
TOPIC 2: WHAT SOUVENIR DID YOU TAKE HOME FROM THE CROSSTOWN CLASSIC?
The last remnants of Carlos Zambrano’s ego.
I have footage of the Bleacher Bums performing their first Angel Pagan Ritual.
I caught a piece of Carlos Zambrano’s shattered confidence. Opening eBay price: $5.99.
A little less respect for Ozzie Guillen.
I have some yuppie’s tooth embedded in my fist.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WOULD BE A DISTRACTION TO AN UMPIRE?
A catcher tattooing the words “I Love You, Blue” into the back of his head.
A stripper’s pole planted in the pitcher’s mound. And here comes Bobby Jenks!
A punch in the nose. Then again, since it’s a high strike it would probably be ignored.
Any vendor within earshot selling doughnuts. Have you seen some of these guys?
The strike zone. Not that he would ever recognize it.
TOPIC 4: JIM THOME’S BACK SINCE GOING ON THE DL APRIL 29. WHAT DID HE MISS?
Leo finally lost his virginity. Curiously, so did Phil.
Chicago prepared for two 17-year events: cicadas emerging and Jimmy bathing. Still waiting.
The Yankees are scoutinghigh-school chess clubs for starting pitchers.
A lot of bad baseball.
The way the Sox have been hitting, probably a slider.
TOPIC 5: NOW THAT THE PLAYOFFS ARE OVER, WHAT’S THE FIRST MOVE THE BULLS MAKE?
Trade for Pau Gasol without giving up anybody important. That, and get some rest.
Clearly it won’t be a post move. Get a big man, already!
In an effort to appear older, they take up cigar smoking and institute “Larry King Live” night.
Get Greg Oden by any means necessary.
Call the Knicks and sucker them into their next bad move.
