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Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S YOUR EXPLANATION FOR THAT CONTROVERSIAL PLAY DURING THE CUBS-SOX FINALE?
Those same umpires also worked the 1972 U.S.-U.S.S.R. gold medal basketball game.
All I know is, before the game they told a guy he couldn’t bring his goat into U.S. Cellular Field.
Sox games are so perfunctory right now that umpires use them to test new rules they invent.
I guess all that talk about owning the town finally cost the Sox and their fans. It’s called karma.
Technically, the Cubs called “do over” before the tag. Every kid on the playground knows that!
TOPIC 2: THE CUBS SWEPT THE SOX AT THE CELL. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Cub fans will now be 0.000001 percent less envious of the Sox’s 2005 World Series title.
Everything for the Sox. Their Cell service has been disconnected.
This is just the boost the Cubs need to stay in contention until just after the trade deadline.
The Sox are more Cubs-like than the Cubs this year.
This series will be archived in the annals of irrelevance.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WILL TANK JOHNSON’S BLOOD TESTS SHOW?
That somebody slipped a stupid pill in his beer … about 10 years ago.
That he was born with terminal Pacmanitis.
They will reveal he is related to Jimmy Greenfield. Then, Jimmy’s head will explode.
He’s a moron.
They’ll find traces of Lovie’s foot.
TOPIC 4: HOW WILL YOU HELP FRANK THOMAS GET HIS 500TH HOME RUN?
Use my superpowers to suspend time, then grab a fly ball and gently place it over the fence.
I install a miniature walker on the ball each time the old man gets one to the outfield.
Trade Barry Zito to whatever team he’s facing.
Better question: How will you make me care about Frank Thomas’ 500th home run?
Play. The. Cubs.
TOPIC 5: WHO IS SECRETLY NEGOTIATING WITH THE BULLS?
Uh, no idea. Nope, not a clue. HEY, LOOK A UNICORN!
Wait for it … Billy Donovan.
The Russians. Unfortunately the Bulls need a power forward, not missiles or caviar.
Tank Johnson. Since he won’t be playing football, he’ll need something to do.
The White Sox, looking to get whatever they can for Jermaine Dye.
