Think you can take on Jimmy, Leo, Phil, Kyra and Bag Boy? Bring it. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: THE CUBS ARE BATTLING FOR FIRST; THE SOX ARE BATTLING FOR LAST. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?
JIMMY: Magic! Love-filled magic!
LEO: And Phil’s battling to be Playboy’s Miss July. Truly remarkable times in Chicago.
PHIL: Apparently over the off-season the Cubs and Sox enrolled in some kind of exchange program.
KYRA: A rip in the space/time continuum. Stop the madness!
BAG BOY: It’s the balance of the sports universe. Disturb the balance … and Chicago explodes!
TOPIC 2: IS ALFONSO SORIANO WORTH $136 MILLION YET?
JIMMY: Never. Are teachers worth only $44,600 a year? Never.
LEO: He’s not even the best left-fielder in the NL. On the plus side, he sells a lot of sh-erseys.
PHIL: Not yet, but he’s making his payments on time (something we can’t say for Bag Boy).
KYRA: That depends…on who the heck he is. (Hey, Leo…slip me some kinda hint, my friend.)
BAG BOY: Right, and the minute I say “yeah,” his batting average drops to .136.
TOPIC 3: HOW WOULD YOU WELCOME THE NEW BULLS TO TOWN?
JIMMY: With bourbon, hookers and a trip to the Field Museum.
LEO: With a banner reading “Go home if you can’t box out the Pistons.”
PHIL: Roll out the red carpet, which is really Ben Wallace’s dyed hair.
KYRA: Take them to the Taste and present them with an honorary turkey leg.
BAG BOY: Send them through our employee disorientation program.
TOPIC 4: WHAT ARE YOUR TIPS FOR A JUST-DRAFTED NBA ROOKIE?
JIMMY: Act like a veteran and demand a trade immediately.
LEO: Go ahead and add a defense attorney to your entourage now.
PHIL: If it’s 4 a.m., you didn’t miss curfew, you’re just really early for the next day.
KYRA: Do not accept any orientation advice from Ron Artest.
BAG BOY: Look to your left, then to your right. One of your neighbors will become a Memphis Grizzly.
TOPIC 5: WHAT WOULD BE ON THE MENU FOR THE ‘TASTE OF CHICAGO SPORTS’?
JIMMY: Food you cook at temperatures well below .500.
LEO: Fried batter. Now if you’ll excuse me, the authorities have arrived to cart me off.
PHIL: Lemons. All lemons.
KYRA: Bulls burgers: 20 tickets and the surrender of those tacky Ben Wallace Afro wigs.
BAG BOY: If it’s the ninth inning, a dish called Cubs Bullpen In A Pickle.
