Welcome, Alexia. Play nice, boys. She has a black belt … in fact, she has many black belts. Sign up at redeyechicago.com.
TOPIC 1: IF REDEYE ISSUED GIFT BAGS FOR PARTICIPATING IN FIVE ON FIVE, WHAT WOULD BE IN THEM?
Jimmy: Barf bags.
Leo: Dork repellant.
Phil: Rose-colored glasses for Chicago baseball fans.
Alexia: Mini bottles of liquor and a vomit bag.
Bag Boy: A foam middle finger.
TOPIC 2: WHICH CHICAGO ATHLETE REALLY DESERVES AN ESPY?
Jimmy: Tony Esposito, of course.
Leo: Lou Piniella’s a shoo-in for “Most Inspiring Performance Involving Spittle.”
Phil: Tank Johnson in the drama category.
Alexia: Leo. Have you seen how his jeans fit these days?
Bag Boy: Mark Buehrle. Because I said so!
TOPIC 3: WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR AT THIS WEEKEND’S NASCAR RACE?
Jimmy: I’d rather watch paint dry than watch NASCAR.
Leo: Whichever car transforms into a Swedish bikini model.
Phil: It’s the Sheetrock 400, so I’m picking Barney “Burn” Rubble!
Alexia: Patrick Dempsey. He always wanted to be a racecar driver, poor baby.
Bag Boy: Dale Jr. He’s on “King of the Hill,” right?
TOPIC 4: WHY SHOULD WE CONSIDER NASCAR A SPORT?
Jimmy: If sitting on your ass for hundreds of miles isn’t a sport, nothing is.
Leo: We shouldn’t. Jimmy wets himself while driving, too, and he’s no athlete.
Phil: Because even athletes have difficulty driving. Right, Tank?
Alexia: Cuz pappy says so, goshdungit.
Bag Boy: If ice dancing gets a pass, everybody gets a pass.
TOPIC 5: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED FOR BARRY BONDS’ VISIT TO WRIGLEY FIELD NEXT WEEK?
Jimmy: I’ll watch NASCAR.
Leo: As a tribute, I plan on referring to Leo in the third person all week.
Phil: Surface-to-air missiles stationed on Waveland. No need to thank me, Hammerin’ Hank.
Alexia: Rooftop party with prizes for guests who make the best steroids jokes.
Bag Boy: Only the biggest … “boo” … in … HISTORY!
