We here at Five on Five find the term “mental midget” offensive. We prefer to be called “small-minded.” Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: SOMEONE CALLED REX GROSSMAN A ‘MENTAL MIDGET.’ WHAT DO YOU SAY?
Jimmy Greenfield: I don’t mind that he’s a mental midget. I mind that he’s a Chicago Bear.
Phillip Thompson: He has been cast in the next chapter of “Trapped in the Closet,” so it must be true.
Leo Ebersole: Yeah? Well, that guy … probably smells like poo.
Adam Caldarelli: I say he and Cedric Benson make a nice pair.
Sox Hand: Is that why he has such small hands?
TOPIC 2: WHAT FACTORED IN THE DECISION TO KEEP OZZIE GUILLEN?
Jimmy Greenfield: Losing is addicting.
Phillip Thompson: The money from the Sox “curse jar” really helps with payroll.
Leo Ebersole: His nuclear meltdowns actually fuel the scoreboard. It’s a big energy saver.
Adam Caldarelli: Someone’s gotta bully Jay Mariotti.
Sox Hand: I gave him the thumbs up. AND I HAVE ONE POWERFUL THUMB!
TOPIC 3: WHAT COLLEGE GAME WILL YOU WATCH THIS WEEKEND AND WHY?
Jimmy Greenfield: Notre Dame at Michigan … it’s a guaranteed train wreck for a hated team.
Phillip Thompson: Michigan-Notre Dame. Wait, I just remembered that watching two dogs fight is a bad thing.
Leo Ebersole: The mighty Northwestern Wildcats. Because I enjoy watching victories.
Adam Caldarelli: I have better things to do with my Saturdays.
Sox Hand: Whatever White Sox game is on — whoa! Right in the kisser!
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S YOUR STRATEGY FOR SNEAKING INTO A STADIUM?
Jimmy Greenfield: Two words: pole vault.
Phillip Thompson: I put on Cedric Benson’s uniform and really sell it by moving in slow motion.
Leo Ebersole: It’s an elaborate scheme involving an airplane drop and a lot of bubble wrap.
Adam Caldarelli: Dress like a member of the grounds crew. Of course, then they put you to work.
Sox Hand: I disguise myself as a “We’re No. 1” foam hand.
TOPIC 5: WHAT SHOULD BE THE PUNISHMENT FOR SPYING IN SPORTS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Firing squad. Hey, it was good enough for Mata Hari.
Phillip Thompson: Offenders must go to the offensive linemen’s shower and videotape “Guards Gone Wild.”
Leo Ebersole: Anyone caught has to spy on the co-hosts of “The View.”
Adam Caldarelli: Bill Belichick should be forced to wear a tie.
Sox Hand: A slap on the wrist. Believe me, that really smarts!
