Mike North of “The Mike North Morning Show” on The Score (670-AM) sits in on Wednesdays. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Mike North
TOPIC 1: WHERE WOULD YOU RANK THE BEARS?
Among the top four teams in the NFC North.
Slightly above average. I’ve thrown better passes with the electric football quarterback.
Behind the Texans. … Whoa. I think I just blacked out for a minute.
The Bears are better than O.J.’s offense and worse than O.J.’s defense.
Get back to me after Sunday night’s game. If they lose panic! If they win … Super Bowl.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S YOUR STRATEGY FOR GETTING CUBS PLAYOFF TICKETS?
I’ll do whatever it takes. Even if it means losing my virginity.
Kidnap Ticketmaster agent and plug computer directly into his cerebral cortex like “The Matrix.”
Best bet: auditioning for the role of closer.
Steal one from a Chad as I distract him with a Miller Lite.
Make someone an offer they can’t refuse.
TOPIC 3: DESCRIBE YOUR ULTIMATE FIGHTING TECHNIQUE.
I adopt my Crocodile Dundee voice and say, “Now that’s a knife.”
I tell Tracy he’s single and then I take cover.
Crouching ball, hidden dignity.
I use the anaconda choke, also known as “Snakes on a Plane.”
The head lock has served me well through my tumultuous life!
TOPIC 4: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF AN NBA COACH IS COMING ON TO YOU?
I’m puking on Isiah Thomas’ loafers.
Lots of dribbling?
When he runs up to you and starts screaming “PRESS! PRESS!”
Videotape the signs and review them later. Oh, wait, that’s for NFL coaches.
NBA? Who cares, Tennessee’s Pat Summit is available — now that I would volunteer for. Va-va-voom!
TOPIC 5: WHAT IS THE ‘MAGIC NUMBER’?
The number of combined wins and losses it takes for the Cubs to give all their fans heart attacks.
It’s the number of choke jobs it will take to make the Cubs’ playoff spot disappear.
The distance at which Jimmy must be kept away from all high school cheerleading events.
It’s 3, “Schoolhouse Rock!” taught me. But I prefer “Naughty Number Nine.”
The winning Powerball number!
