After much deliberation and reviewing several issues of Five on Five, we’ve come to the conclusion: Adam Caldarelli is our quarterback. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Adam Caldarelli
Whizzer
TOPIC 1: HOW WILL YOU EXPRESS WHAT HAWKS OWNER BILL WIRTZ MEANT TO YOU?
By sitting at home in front of an unplugged TV while the Hawks are playing a home game.
I plan on never watching the Blackhawks on TV. Bill would have wanted it that way.
By collecting dollar bills to pay for his funeral to be broadcast on TV.
By continuing to not give a crap about hockey or his crappy hockey team.
I’ll pinch a penny so tight it rubs the beard off of Abe Lincoln. Loved that feisty ol’ guy.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S NEXT FOR REX GROSSMAN?
He can go to that farm in Wisconsin where my parents told me Cade McNown was sent to.
His own “Behind the Music” special.
Soft weeping will make his guyliner run.
Clipboard, baseball cap … just don’t confuse the two.
Let’s hit the bars, Rex. You’ve earned it.
TOPIC 3: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN SHAWN MARION, ‘THE MATRIX,’ WANTS A TRADE?
Tim Donaghy puts 100 grand on it happening in Vegas.
He drops his old agent and hires Agent Smith.
The owners will get the message when he de-friends them on MySpace.
When I read about it while answering these questions.
He takes the blue pill. No, maybe it’s the red pill.
TOPIC 4: WHAT WILL BE THE NEXT DISCOVERY ABOUT MICHAEL VICK?
He will attempt to rejoin the NFL … as Michelle Vick.
That weed wasn’t for himself, it’s for his dogs’ … glaucoma.
He’s become an ordained minister. Praise Jebus!
That he’s been involved in a catfighting ring. But no one will care because it’s cats.
Let’s see, we had dogfighting, now marijuana … has he been hypnotized by Nancy Grace?
TOPIC 5: FANS VOTED TO BRAND BARRY BONDS’ 756TH HR BALL. IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN DO?
Pay his $14.50 to see it like everyone else who won’t be inducted.
Don’t worry about the asterisk, Barry. A little “cream” will “clear” that right up.
Hire O.J.’s crew to get it back. How could it go wrong?
He can go away. Forever.
Get a matching brand for the 73rd home-run ball.
