Today we have Tracy Swartz, Adam Caldarelli and Stick Figure. It’s a lineup of vice, spice and super nice. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Adam Caldarelli
Stick Figure
Topic 1: HOW HAVE YOU PATCHED THINGS UP WITH LANCE BRIGGS?
I had him buy me a Lamborghini just so I could total it.
He swore he’d never speak to me again. Therefore, we were best pals a minute later.
Patching up his Lamborghini with a “My other toy has headlights” bumper sticker.
I lent him my Lamborghini and everything’s cool.
I had an imaginary dog, Patches. But he died. Now I have an imaginary patch named Patches.
topic 2: WHAT SHOULD BE THE PENALTY FOR TAUNTING?
Fifteen yards and a sucker punch to the larynx.
Five minutes of pointing and laughing by all of your exes.
Being Britney Spears’ bib at Red Lobster.
Taunting should be encouraged, not penalized.
I don’t have a taunt, but I have a tuncle.
topic 3: WHO’S YOUR COLLEGE TEAM TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND AND WHY?
Kansas basketball. It’s Midnight Madness, baby.
I like the College of Cardinals. Teams may beat them, but they’re headed to a very bad place.
The Gators are on a bye, so I’ll be watching Taservision.
I’m an adult and have moved past such trivial matters. Get up, South Florida! Beat Central!
Applecatchin’ Steak! Gooooo team!
topic 4: WHAT IMPRESSES YOU MOST ABOUT ANY OF THE BULLS ROOKIES?
Their belief that they actually have a chance to make the team.
The wide-eyed optimism of someone who clearly hasn’t played a game for Chicago fans.
That my Jo-up doll is so lifelike.
That someone named their kid JamesOn.
Nice calves. Get it? Young Bulls? Calves? Did I just make sense? Where am I?
topic 5: WHY ARE SOME GAMES CALLED A ‘FRIENDLY’?
So the players can have an excuse to kiss on the field.
All games should be “friendly.” Except “The Crying Game.”
Afterward, players go for a super sizzlin’ breakfast and a three-scoop sundae.
Probably because of all the cuddling.
Because that’s who you play games with, your friends, silly. Now if only I had some …
