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Bravo’s “Queer Eye” has nothing on RedEye’s own Fab Five. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive for your chance to join the fun.

TOPIC 1: WHAT’S YOUR DEFINITION OF A ‘MUST-WIN GAME’?

Scott Kleinberg: A game that would alter the universe if lost.

Phillip Thompson: Any game played with or for George Steinbrenner.

Leo Ebersole: Any game Chicago franchises tend to lose.

Jimmy Greenfield: Every game is must-win. What else is there?

Bag Boy: Every single game, if the Bears want to be able to walk through this city … unstalked.

TOPIC 2: WHAT HOPE DO THE BEARS HAVE OF REPEATING LAST YEAR’S SUCCESS?

Scott Kleinberg: The Chicago Bears? None. But I have full faith in the bears on the toilet paper commercials.

Phillip Thompson: Hope is free and plentiful. But fame costs. And right here is where you pay … in sweat!

Leo Ebersole: The NFC is up for grabs. Did you watch the Cowboys against the Bills?

Jimmy Greenfield: 3.7 percent, or slightly higher than Benson’s rushing average and Grossman’s QB rating.

Bag Boy: The same hope I have of being George Clooney’s body double.

TOPIC 3: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM THE BULLS THIS YEAR?

Scott Kleinberg: Loss after loss overshadowed by Ben Wallace’s headband.

Phillip Thompson: They’re so young they should get carded before they enter the stadium.

Leo Ebersole: Nothing less than a loss in the first round of the playoffs.

Jimmy Greenfield: Ben Gordon to not improve. That said, the Bulls will go to the NBA finals.

Bag Boy: I don’t want to be pessimistic, but I expect them to make the playoffs then pull a Cubs.

TOPIC 4: LET’S GIVE BULLS ROOKIE JOAKIM NOAH A NICKNAME.

Scott Kleinberg: Jo-No.

Phillip Thompson: “The Joaker.” No? “The Ark-itecht.” Wait, I might have to call Tracy in on this one.

Leo Ebersole: Troy Polamalu.

Jimmy Greenfield: Arky Von Cuckoo.

Bag Boy: Jomeo, oh Jomeo, wherefore art thou?

TOPIC 5: HAVE YOU GOTTEN OVER THE CUBS SWEEP YET?

Scott Kleinberg: Let’s just say I’m handling it like a Pirate. A Pittsburgh Pirate. Arrrrghhhh.

Phillip Thompson: No, I sweltered for what seemed like 45 minutes on a Red Line without AC to get to Wrigley.

Leo Ebersole: I was over it by the fifth inning of Game 3. Still plenty of room on the Northwestern bandwagon.

Jimmy Greenfield: I was out of town, and my hotel didn’t get TBS. It’s like it never happened.

Bag Boy: Who?