Welcome, chicagosports.com’s Adam Caldarelli, to the World Series of Jokers! Yeah, we’ve been saving that one for a while. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Adam Caldarelli
BAG BOY
TOPIC 1: SO YOU LOST GAME 1 OF THE WORLD SERIES. WHAT DO YOU DO?
Same thing I did after losing Game 3 of the NLDS: A lot of bourbon, a lot of hookers.
You’re in Boston. Find Cliff Clavin. Feel a lot better about yourself.
You suck it up and plot out your fantasy NBA draft. (Don’t sleep on Caron Butler.)
Take it out on Dane Cook.
Since it’s in Boston, I go to the “Cheers” bar and take the tour. The three-hour tour.
TOPIC 2: WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE ROCKIES OR RED SOX PLAYER AND WHY?
Todd Helton and Kevin Youkilis. Great ballplayers — even greater goatees.
Boston’s Coco Crisp, ever since Frankenberry Thomas left the South Side.
Matt Holliday. Because his game face makes Joaquin Phoenix’s look like Jay Leno’s.
Troy Tulowitzki. Sounds like the Beastie Boys would rhyme it with “Doug Mirabelli’s jet ski.”
Favorite all-time Red Sox: Big Papi. Love the name. Don’t know any Rockies.
TOPIC 3: WHY DOES IT TAKE A WEEK FOR THE FIRE to PLAY A TWO-GAME PLAYOFF SERIES?
On advice of counsel, I decline to comment on how stupid this two-game series is.
It only feels that long between goals.
ESPN2 already committed most of its broadcast hours to the World Series of Cricket Spittin’.
Because MLS players go to school during the week.
Their opponent is from Washington, D.C. You know how long it takes to get things done there?
TOPIC 4: FIRST CARRIE UNDERWOOD. NOW SOPHIA BUSH. HOW DOES TONY ROMO DO IT?
Same way he gets along with the Cowboys’ center: warm hands.
That’s what she said. And there’s your answer.
His owner referred him to a top plastic surgeon.
I’m sorry but I don’t answer country music, “One Tree Hill” or Dallas Cowboys questions.
He does it the way I do it. You stalk and stalk and stalk until they can’t say no anymore.
TOPIC 5: RAY LEWIS RIPPED BRIAN BILLICK’S PLAYCALLING. HOW SHOULD THE RAVENS COACH RESPOND?
Plant a knife in Lewis’ locker and then call 911.
Billick: “How about you take the knife out my back.” Lewis: “So that’s where it went.”
He should name Ray offensive coordinator and all-time QB. Duh.
By mimicking Lewis’ spasmodic, Elaine Benes dance like T.O. did that one time.
Given the fact Lewis was once on trial for murder, I’d try the “do nothing” approach.
