Look at all these hard-working people, here to inform and entertain you on a Saturday. Well, everyone except for Bag Boy. He’s just looking for a date. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT WOULD IT TAKE FOR THE BEARS TO BECOME AS GOOD AS INDIANAPOLIS OR NEW ENGLAND?
Jimmy Greenfield: Time travel.
Leo Ebersole: No biggie — all they need to do is find the next John freaking Elway.
Phillip Thompson: The Bears are just a quarterback, running back, coaching staff and minor miracle away.
Tracy Swartz: Strip malls and track suits, respectively. A general distaste for others.
Bag Boy: You could start by having Indianapolis and New England get rid of all their top players …
TOPIC 2: WHO’S BETTER: TOM BRADY OR PEYTON MANNING?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s a tie, but I’ll say Manning. When in doubt, never go with the pretty boy.
Leo Ebersole: Brady. His finger jewelry makes Don Magic Juan jealous.
Phillip Thompson: Athlete, actor, pitchman. Peyton’s a man of many faces. He looks like Mr. Potato Head.
Tracy Swartz: Tom. Nobody puts Brady in a corner.
Bag Boy: Tom Brady. If you stare at him too long you WILL sleep with him. Don’t ask how I know.
TOPIC 3: WHAT ARE THE BEARS DOING SUNDAY ON THEIR DAY OFF?
Jimmy Greenfield: Going to Lovie’s house to help him wash rotten eggs off his porch.
Leo Ebersole: Early-morning conditioning, rigorous film study and rounds of Trivial Pursuit Totally 80s.
Phillip Thompson: Re-enacting the Civil War as confederate soldiers, who also used the Cover 2 defense.
Tracy Swartz: Eating candy corn. Now that their season is over, they can let themselves go.
Bag Boy: Giving the same effort they give any other Sunday.
TOPIC 4: WHAT WOULD YOU OFFER STARS SUCH AS KOBE BRYANT AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ TO COME PLAY IN CHICAGO?
Jimmy Greenfield: Money. But I don’t think my eight-year, $784 offer would suffice.
Leo Ebersole: Ask me what I would offer each of them to stay away from Chicago, then throw in Bag Boy.
Phillip Thompson: I’d rent out my place: sub-penthouse, cozy, recently painted, large vanity mirror for A-Rod …
Tracy Swartz: A chance to form a rap trio with G-Reg Olsen. Danity Kane, you best step off.
Bag Boy: I hear they have a thing for the ladies. Does Chicago still have rights to Hillary?
TOPIC 5: NINE POINTS SEPARATE NASCAR’S NOS. 1 AND 2. HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH THE TENSION?
Jimmy Greenfield: I ordered a second muffin. That is so not me.
Leo Ebersole: I like to picture the drivers as koala bears and their cars as tricycles.
Phillip Thompson: I’ve been bump-drafting other cars on the Eisenhower. OK, I would be doing that anyway.
Tracy Swartz: By chugging Budweiser in my No. 3 koozie.
Bag Boy: Puh-leez. That kind of tension I use as a sleep aid.
