The Bulls are expected to get Joakim Noah back this week. Tracy’s pun-o-meter is set to Orange Alert. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Rahula Strohl
TOPIC 1: HOW WOULD YOU FIX THE BULLS?
They’re not broken. Patience, good people of Chicago, patience.
Didn’t you have a decent jumper back in the day, Scott Skiles? Time to suit up, old man.
Trade for Shaq. Pull Luol Deng aside. Commence body graft.
More star power. Put a Walgreens in the parking lot.
I wouldn’t. I love them just the way they are. But if they want to score more, fine by me.
TOPIC 2: WHAT IS A LOS ANGELES CLIPPER?
Correct. Alex, I’ll take godawful franchises now for $600.
Tracy told me the Clippers are the name of a gang in South Central. She knows the streets.
It’s a ship with a surgically enhanced and fake-tanned hull.
The person with the unfortunate job of snipping Amy Winehouse’s toenails when she visits L.A.
Kobe’s manicurist.
TOPIC 3: WHY WERE THE BEARS BUMPED FROM PRIME TIME?
So the Bears could watch a good game that night.
A) Any Patriots game is high profile. B) These Bears would get bumped for a rerun of “Cavemen.”
Faith Hill couldn’t rhyme anything with “Ditka.”
Brian Griese has less cachet than the root beer-shooting tweens on “Kid Nation.”
Mom called the NFL saying I have to be in bed by 9.
TOPIC 4: WHO’S YOUR TEAM TO WATCH IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL?
This is the year of the great upset in college, so I’m taking Chaminade to win it all.
Kentucky’s Patrick Patterson goes by “Pat-Pat” and “2-Pat.” Sold.
The Duke Blue Devils. And by that I mean watch them lose in the second round in March.
Florida and any team that dares mess up our 3-peat. Oh, Jo you don’t.
Oberlin College. North Coast Athletic Conference semis, here we come.
TOPIC 5: NAVY CANCELED CLASSES TO CELEBRATE BEATING THE IRISH. YOUR THOUGHTS?
Ironically, as punishment for losing to Navy, Notre Dame canceled their booze cruise.
If every school that beat them did that, our nation’s education system would collapse.
Celebrating football at the cost of academics? Yeah, I’m on board.
I’m hoping the IRA doesn’t have a sea presence. Otherwise, we’re in deep ship.
They should’ve added a class: How to pronounce Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada properly.
