If anyone could invent something like “Christmas jeer,” it would be chicagosports.com’s Adam Caldarelli. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Adam Caldarelli
Scott Kleinberg
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S THE FIRST THING KOSUKE FUKUDOME NEEDS TO LEARN ABOUT CHICAGO?
We have a wonderful dish here you’re going to love. We call it “sushi.”
He needs a Japanese-to-English-to-Chicahgo dictionary.
Japan’s known for its toilets, but Soldier Field is where everything goes down the drain.
The fish in the many fine sushi restaurants in town doesn’t come out of the river. It doesn’t, right?
The Red Line always smells that bad.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S THE FIRST THING FUKUDOME NEEDS TO LEARN ABOUT THE CUBS?
If you get out alive, you’ve done well.
Only two words you need to know: “yagi” is “goat;” “jubaku” is “curse.”
I hope the Cubs would trade him for Tom Selleck. Magnum RBI is my “Mr. Baseball.”
You mean, besides their perpetually sucking and all? Nothing.
That the Cubs are used to losing, so don’t be shocked next October.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES MARK PRIOR MEAN TO YOU?
A disappointment as an athlete, an even greater disappointment as a human being.
Spare parts.
Glove on. I bet he loved to party with Trojans as a USC student.
Just another pair of calves.
I’m sure he’s a really nice person, but to me he can stay or go.
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S THE DOWNSIDE OF TEAMS VIDEOTAPING one anOTHER?
You have to pay a late fee if you don’t return the video on time.
They won’t be happy until someone accidentally films Bill Belichick in a shower scene.
Only one team would be able to win America’s Funniest Home Run Videos.
The possibility of catching Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini in the shower together.
Some tapes are hi-def and others aren’t, so they don’t play in each other’s machines.
TOPIC 5: TERRELL OWENS GETTING IN A FEUD WITH KEYSHAWN JOHNSON IS LIKE …
… a virus getting into a fight with bacteria.
… trying to separate Shia LeBeouf from his favorite convenience store.
… a catfight on “The Hills.” It’s all fur show.
… a fat-free version of Rosie O’Donnell-Star Jones imbroglio.
… Jerome Bettis having words with Bill Cowher — oh wait, that did happen.
