The Big Ten tournament is upon us. You may commence praying … Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Leo Ebersole
Adam Caldarelli
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
TOPIC 1: WHO HAS A BETTER SHOT AT WINNING THE BIG TEN TOURNAMENT, ILLINOIS OR NORTHWESTERN?
Clearly the Wildcats, provided we can get that leopard to transfer from Lincoln Park Zoo.
The Evanston Wildkits.
That’s like asking who has a better shot with Tracy: Leo or Phil?
Yes, NU can … provided they’ve stolen Obama on their way to Indianapolis.
For both teams, let’s hope these games don’t require shots.
TOPIC 2: THE WRIGLEY COMPANY DIDN’T SOUND INTERESTED IN BUYING NAMING RIGHTS. YOUR THOUGHTS?
The possibility of Ex-lax Park is tantalizingly close.
Why should they pay for something they’ve been getting for free for years?
Why buy the cow when you will always get the milk for free?
Sponsor opposing teams’ home runs: “The Cincinnati Big Red just sent that pitch into Orbitz!”
Wow, backing off the Cubs already? How far did the clocks spring forward?
TOPIC 3: WHAT HAPPENS TO PLAYERS AFTER THEY’VE BEEN CUT FROM SPRING TRAINING?
They are flushed down a toilet. And after that, they typically get picked up by Pittsburgh.
They’re usually signed to the Bears practice squad.
Kenny Williams signs them and turns them into a “project.”
What doesn’t get picked over by traveling circuses goes straight to the Tampa Bay Rays.
Muffin tops. But the teams are lucky to get the stumps — err, chumps.
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S ONE DOWNSIDE TO WINNING THE IDITAROD?
You pick up more fleas than a night at Eliot Spitzer’s house.
All those little plastic baggies.
If you’re a person, nothing. If you’re a dog, you only have one leg left.
Call it the “currency exchange.” You get the dollars, but your dogs get the pound.
Your dogs are tired.
TOPIC 5: LEBRON james WANTS TO MEET THE FAN WHO RUSHED THE COURT TO MEET HIM. WHY?
Because if the kid can D up Kevin Garnett, he has a spot on the team.
Because he’s got to be better than Ben Wallace.
It was love at first sight for him too.
Because being nicknamed King James is not enough validation. Think of his self-esteem, people!
To discuss a paternity test? Wait, did you say “rushed to court?”
