Shouldn’t we celebrate the start of the baseball season by exchanging gifts? After all, it is called “Opening” Day. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Scott Kleinberg
Soxman
TOPIC 1: WHICH YOUNG CUBS OR SOX PLAYER WILL BE A DIFFERENCE-MAKER IN 2008?
Felix Pie. He’s ready, folks.
Geo Soto, who’s either the Cubs catcher or a late-model SUV.
Jerry Owens will do a decent imitation of Johnny Damon, hopefully without all the hair.
The ball boy. … The foul lines will be much cleaner thanks to him.
Josh Fields will hit 30 HR and win the league MVP … of AAA Charlotte.
TOPIC 2: PICK SOMEONE ON THIS PANEL AND TELL US WHAT HE’LL BE DOING ON OPENING DAY.
Soxman will be hanging out on the corner of Jealousy and Resentment.
For the umpteenth time, Soxman fails to convince Robin Ventura to be his sidekick.
Scott will be mathematically eliminating his beloved Pirates from the playoffs.
You know the guy in the stands yelling “CRACKER
JACK HERE!”? Phil.
Jimmy will be eating roasted goat with Bill Buckner and Steve Bartman.
TOPIC 3: IF THERE’S ONE THING WE KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT THE FINAL FOUR, IT’S …
… way better when your team is in it.
… Derrick Rose smells as sweet after the round of 16. That didn’t come out right.
… that Kevin Love isn’t just a great name for an adult film star.
… one of the last four teams will end up winning.
I’d rather be watching Jessica Alba in “Fantastic Four.”
TOPIC 4: WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR IN REDEYECHICAGO.COM’S MASCOT TOURNEY AND WHY?
Western Kentucky’s Big Red. Because it looks like a huge M&M.
UNLV’s Hey Reb. That’s the finest gray mustache since Dame Judi Dench.
Big Red from Arkansas. It’s nice to see a hog other than Shaq succeed in sports.
Western Kentucky’s Big Red. He looks like he got kicked off Sesame Street and needs some love.
South Alabama’s Southpaw: The White Sox’s Southpaw may be the father … or the mother.
TOPIC 5: MAXIM NAMED OZZIE GUILLEN SECOND-WORST MANAGER — ONLY BEHIND DUSTY BAKER. COMMENTS?
Well, Maxim knows two boobs when it sees them.
You can’t trust a magazine staff that thinks “base on balls” is a sight gag.
Oh come on. They wouldn’t take Guillen over … um, Lou Brown from “Major League”?
I can’t believe Maxim actually found someone worse than Ozzie.
Well, there’s at least one person who actually buys Maxim for the articles.
