More and more people also are getting their laughs online at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives. Stay tuned for Friday’s debut of the Facebook Fives in print!
Jimmy Greenfield
Adam Caldarelli
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Phillip Thompson
TOPIC 1: AFTER ALL THE FLAcK, WHAT HAPPENS NOW TO OZZIE GUILLEN’S BLOW-UP DOLLS?
They’ll get a three-episode story arc on “Gossip Girl.”
They replace Jim Thome and Nick Swisher in the lineup.
They will be charitably donated to various Star Wars conventions and World of Warcraft groups.
Save them for Ozzie’s next blow- up. Losing all that hot air would blow.
They’ll find work as Kim Cattrall’s stunt doubles in the next “Sex in the City” movie.
TOPIC 2: WHAT WOULD MAKE THE CUBS WORTH $1 BILLION?
The breast implants of all ofWrigley’s female customers.
A whole lot more than they got right now.
Proof that Lou Piniella does indeed have a heart of gold. And platinum wiring wouldn’t hurt.
They already are — there are at least nine zeros on that team.
What?! Somebody must have misspoke. Who’s in charge of the bidding, Dr. Evil?
TOPIC 3: WHO IS JOEY VOTTO?
My lord, savior and 15th-round fantasy pick.
The latest, greatest Cubs Killer.
The latest young and promising baseball star Dusty Baker can ruin.
A Red Mob-ster known for his pinch hitting.
Apparently a “Sopranos” refugee who now specializes in hits on Cubs pitchers.
TOPIC 4: WHY IS INDIANA JONES ON BASEBALL TEAMS’ ONLINE SCHEDULES?
Money. Heck, I’d tattoo Indiana Jones to my forehead for a double sawbuck.
Because MLB is completely without shame.
Rich Hill’s fantasy owners sent him to administer a whipping.
Indy’s jacket, baseball gloves and Randy Johnson’s face are made of leather.
It’s all about marketing. On that note, they should cast Wrigley or the Cell as the Temple of Doom.
TOPIC 5: WHO WOULD MAKE A GREAT SPORTS ANNOUNCER IN CHICAGO?
Kevin Wallace: future voice of the White Sox.
Not Tom Dore and Dan Kelly.
Amy Winehouse: great voice, no idea what’s happening on the field.
Jimmy. He told me he caught his wife by broad-casting.
For Ozzie’s White Sox? Samuel L. Jackson.
