Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married this summer. She is 22. Her biological father left us in 1994 for his secretary and has since married her. He pays child support and calls once in a while, but he was distant through her “terrible teens.”
I remarried in 1996. Our combined kids were 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 at the time we married. My husband and kids have been close, and now that there is a wedding, the secretary/second wife has contacted our daughter and asked about the ceremony. She wants to make sure my daughter’s biological dad walks her down the aisle. She says only the biological dad should do so.
The kids and I believe the stepdad should be involved because he has chosen to be a part of the kids’ lives for more than 12 years, dealing with cuts, scrapes, car crashes, boys, school, etc.
I would not dream of excluding the stepdad or the new step-secretary-wife of the biological dad.
This must be a common problem. What do you suggest? How can both dads be involved?
— Wondering Mom
Dear Mom: First this. Your ex-husband has remarried. No matter the circumstances surrounding the dissolution of your marriage 14 years ago, it’s over. Let it go already. You can stop referring to your ex’s wife as the step-secretary-second wife. She is your ex-husband’s wife and your daughter’s stepmother.
Concerning your daughter’s wedding, you need to remember that it is her wedding. She can choose to honor one or both of her fathers in any number of ways.
Convention has changed when it comes to who walks the bride down the aisle. This honor is no longer reserved exclusively for biological fathers. Your daughter can walk with one or have both fathers, or she can walk with you or with her future spouse.
Some brides sidestep this whole issue by walking themselves down the aisle.
Whatever your daughter chooses to do, all of her parents should be seated at the front of the chapel, next to their spouses.
Neither you nor her stepmother should pressure your daughter about this. Your job is to support whatever choice she makes.
You also need to be reminded to be on your best behavior on your daughter’s wedding day. It’s challenging these days, when families are so complex, but the best wedding gift to give your daughter is the gift of a happy, peaceful wedding day.
Dear Amy: I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 years. We have had our share of problems, but the greatest problem is my mother-in-law. She calls me names to provoke me. I have tried to ask her to stop, but she seems to think I enjoy the banter.
My husband is aware of the situation, but he doesn’t interfere. He doesn’t acknowledge that it is even a problem!
She constantly teases me about my weight and aging. What should I do?
— Annoyed daughter-in-law
Dear Annoyed: Don’t rise to the bait. Don’t engage in banter that you’ll regret.
When this happens, you should correct your mother-in-law by saying, “Martha, I’m not enjoying this, and I wish you’d stop.”
Your husband is a key ingredient in shutting down the put-downs. If your mother-in-law trashes you, he should say, “Mom, that’s not nice. I don’t like it, and I don’t want to hear it again.”
Making such a statement isn’t interfering — it’s intervening. And your mother-in-law is in need of an intervention.
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