“Is that jealousy I detect? Is that why Southpaw is green … with envy?”
“You want to talk about jealousy? You’d love to have Carlos Quentin.”
We can’t quite put our finger on why Sox slugger Carlos Quentin is on fire and why Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano has been a liability, but we know two fans who can. Let’s let the Cubs and Sox Hands thumb-wrestle over these issues.
SOX HAND: Nice win against the Dodgers on Monday. Almost makes up for choking against the Pirates in Pittsburgh. What’s with you and away games? If I were a doctor I’d say you have road rash.
CUBS HAND: Listen to you, Mr. High and Mighty. You might be in first in your mediocre division, but in our division, you’d only be a couple games ahead of those Pirates.
SOX HAND: That’s not even good science fiction. Speaking of which, I would have thought “Indiana Jones’ ” $126 million box office take would be the most overpriced entertainment this Memorial Day weekend, but that was before we watched the $136 Million-Dollar Man do his best Brant Brown impersonation: I got it! I got it! … I don’t got it.
CUBS HAND: Is that jealousy I detect? Is that why Southpaw is green … with envy? You’d be head-over-heels if the Sox ever could come close to paying a player $136 million. Heck, even $13.6 million. Jerry Reinsdorf practically invented the term “hometown discount.” Any hometown will do.
SOX HAND: You want to talk about jealousy? You’d love to have Carlos Quentin, Mr. AL-leading 14 home runs. And my Sox went into Monday’s games second best in baseball in ERA (3.39) and fourth in home runs (59). Oh wait, make that 60 — Jim Thome just homered. Top that, my Cubbie little friend.
CUBS HAND: I’d like to direct you to the only stats that really count. Some people know them as “wins” and “losses.” Thirty W’s on the North Side, second best in the majors. 21 L’s, also second best.
SOX HAND: Yeah, but who’s hotter right now? We’ve won 10 of our last 12 games (I had to watch Monday’s win over the Indians with my eyes covering my hand or something like that). I’m telling you the warmer weather is bringing good things on the South Side. Mark Buehrle’s finding his game again. Jose Contreras is looking like 2005. Soxman is getting a Brazilian wax …
CUBS HAND: Is Contreras really that old? I mean, he looks and plays like it, but it’s not possible, is it? But you truly are an inspiration. You don’t stop believin’ that your pitchers are all going to overachieve and have career years at the same time again, just like they did in 2005. Ain’t gonna happen. You can take Steve Perry off your speed dial.
