If there were a sports joke category in the Olympics, this bunch would all win fool’s gold. Visit redeyechicago.com/facebookfives and sign up.
Brian Moore
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
TOPIC 1: PICK A CUB AND TELL US WHAT HE DID ON THE TEAM’S OFF DAY.
Aramis Ramirez hit four more homers off Sox pitchers.
Ryan Theriot found work as NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon’s body double.
The Cubs apparently don’t have off days. So say the homers.
Eric Patterson had a new jersey made up with the name “Not Corey” on it.
Alfonso Soriano cold-called fans to remind them how indispensable he is.
TOPIC 2: THE SOX PLAY THE DODGERS, WHO JUST HOSTED A CELEBRITY GAME. WHO STARs IN THE SOX VERSION?
Steve Perry. Biggest hitmaker ever associated with the team.
Naomi Campbell. Unfortunately she’d also try to pick up The Cell and throw it at an assistant.
Joan Cusack, but she might get poor reception.
Mayor Daley and his henchman.
God rest his soul, George Carlin would have been Ozzie’s perfect celebrity guest.
TOPIC 3: CEDRIC BENSON MUST INSTALL A BREATHALYZER IN HIS CAR. INVENT ANOTHER DEVICE HE CAN USE.
A tackling dummy. Oh, wait, he already has one of those.
The “Super Bench” — comes with a seat warmer, fridge and built-in defense attorney phone directory.
A time machine to go back to the 2007 Super Bowl and, oh yeah, his arrests.
Mug-o-matic, a camera that takes your mug shot just seconds after your arrest.
The Idiot Proofer for today’s pro athlete. Basically it’s an electric pet collar.
TOPIC 4: IF ALL PLAYERS WEAR WHITE AT WIMBLEDON, THEN …
… they must be very careful with their choice of undergarments.
… they should seriously consider trying out for
New Kids on the Block.
… Nadal’s sweaty chest will be creating the racket, not his game.
… Tracy can wear white to her wedding without feeling guilty.
… Ozzie Guillen should wear blue during all uncensored interviews.
TOPIC 5: WHICH NBA STAR WILL HAVE THE BIGGEST IMPACT ON THE U.S. OLYMPIC BASKETBALL TEAM?
Kobe Bryant alone will break the team’s legal budget.
Kobe Bryant will lead by example. If nothing else, Team USA will have impeccably manicured nails.
Carlos Boozer, because he’s had the most impact on my life. Sweet, sweet Boozer.
LeBron James. He’s fresh, he’s ready and he’s the king.
Taking some liberties with his name, Pope Chris Paul IV will go unguarded by most nations.
