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TOPIC 1: NAME ONE WAY THE WHITE SOX CAN HOLD OFF THE SURGING MINNESOTA TWINS.
Jimmy Greenfield: Do to them what Jesse Jackson wants to do to Barack Obama.
Phillip Thompson: There’s only one thing that scares the Minnesota Twins: the Olsen twins.
Leo Ebersole: Psychological warfare: Dress the team blowup doll in lumberjacks’ clothing.
Tracy Swartz: Set up stings in the Minneapolis bathrooms. But that might take down the Sox instead.
Brian Moore: They can start by beating up on them instead of each other.
TOPIC 2: WITH TIGER WOODS SIDELINED, WHAT IS NOW THE BEST REASON TO WATCH THE BRITISH OPEN?
Jimmy Greenfield: To find a cure for insomnia.
Phillip Thompson: So Jimmy can update his British slang and stop saying, “Well, I’ll be buggered!”
Leo Ebersole: How else are you going to play the drinking game, “Golf tee or Victoria Beckham?”
Tracy Swartz: For all the bad-mouthing the British are known for.
Brian Moore: Perfect for helping you takethat much-needed Sunday afternoon nap.
TOPIC 3: THERE WILL BE A HOCKEY GAME AT WRIGLEY FIELD. WHAT COULD WE STAGE AT SOLDIER FIELD?
Jimmy Greenfield: An exorcism.
Phillip Thompson: An NBA game, but don’t change anything. Make them run the 100 yards on a fast break.
Leo Ebersole: The Lovie Smith Invitational World Series of Blank Stares.
Tracy Swartz: A Bears win?
Brian Moore: How about we try playing football there this season, OK Bears?
TOPIC 4: RIVALS.COM RANKS THE ILLINOIS FOOTBALL TEAM NO. 18. ANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT THAT?
Jimmy Greenfield: My only complaint is having an Illinois football question in Five on Five.
Phillip Thompson: It depends. Did they move to Division II?
Leo Ebersole: Not unless they rank Northwestern any lower than No. 5.
Tracy Swartz: At 18, they’re legally adults, but they shouldn’t fight for our country or for Illinois.
Brian Moore: I think making a “most-overrated” list before the season starts is a little harsh.
TOPIC 5: IF YOU WERE A SUPERHERO LIKE BATMAN, HOW WOULD YOU ABUSE YOUR POWERS?
Jimmy Greenfield: With Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Kitty Pryde and Heather Graham.
Phillip Thompson: I would use my Batarang to steal snacks off of Leo’s desk.
Leo Ebersole: Bribe a city official to get an adult entertainment license for the Bat Cave. (Giggity.)
Tracy Swartz: I’d Bat-cuff Robin and force him to do the “Batusi.” (Sigh — I’m no comic.)
Brian Moore: I would somehow, some way, help the Cubs win the World Series.
