Who’s that smooth operator on the right? That’s right, it’s Evil Supercomputer! And, yes, in case you’re wondering, he Googles himself all the time. Join the fun: redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: THE OLYMPICS: MUST-SEE TV OR BACKGROUND NOISE?
Leo Ebersole: Background noise for the real global showcase: Cubpocalypse Now.
Jimmy Greenfield: Must-see: female gymnasts. Background noise: synchronized swimmers.
Tracy Swartz: The big “O” no. I’m already Bored of the Rings.
‘That Guy’: I prefer to call it “make-out noise.” Beats John Mayer.
Evil Supercomputer: I’m thoroughly enjoying sabotaging all the swimming clocks.
TOPIC 2: GIVE CUBS FANS A GOOD WAY TO TAUNT CARDINALS FANS THIS WEEKEND AT WRIGLEY.
Leo Ebersole: “Even I have more hair than Albert Pujols.” (Said while wearing a Jimmy Greenfield mask.)
Jimmy Greenfield: You haven’t won the World Series in 23 MONTHS! HA HA HA!
Tracy Swartz: The playoff talk is not a-buzzin’/ Go complain to your wife, er, cousin.
‘That Guy’: Cubs fans don’t “taunt.” They drink their competitors into submission.
Evil Supercomputer: I hear you guys have big Pujols. OH, YES, I SAID IT!
TOPIC 3: WITH ONE BEARS PRESEASON GAME DOWN, MAKE A BOLD PREDICTION FOR THE TEAM.
Leo Ebersole: Tommie Harris will win the next cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.”
Jimmy Greenfield: Gentlemen, start your tear ducts.
Tracy Swartz: Headed to the Country Music one. Oh wait, did you say “bold” or “bowl”?
‘That Guy’: Canonization of Robbie Gould following 80-yard Super Bowl-winning field goal.
Evil Supercomputer: THEY’LL BE ENSLAVED BY AN ANDROID ARMY BY OCTOBER!!!
TOPIC 4: NOW THAT BRETT FAVRE IS THERE, WHO IS YOUR MOST HATED ATHLETE IN NEW YORK AND WHY?
Leo Ebersole: Plexiglass Burress, because his ego is now the size of the Chrysler Building.
Jimmy Greenfield: Barry Bonds. Little-known fact: He’s visiting New York right now, so it applies.
Tracy Swartz: Eli Manning’s wife finally taught him how to throw like a girl. Next: like a man.
‘That Guy’: Jason Giambi — he’s stealing my “That Guy” thunder on the East Coast.
Evil Supercomputer: That NBA Draft computer. Now there’s a real tool.
TOPIC 5: PRESIDENTIAL RACE. OLYMPICS. PLAYOFF RACES. WHAT’S THE LEAST IMPORTANT THING GOING ON NOW?
Leo Ebersole: The Atlanta Braves. Man, it feels good to say that after all these years.
Jimmy Greenfield: Of those three? Presidential race. On a larger scale? That thing growing on Tracy’s lip.
Tracy Swartz: Axe body spray. It barely masks humiliation or Kyle Orton’s neckbeard.
‘That Guy’: If it doesn’t involve flipping cups or tossing Ping-Pong balls, I don’t care.
Evil Supercomputer: Er, pay no attention to those killer androids on the streets. Nothing to see there, heh.
