It’s years past cutting-edge. But somehow, the faithful martini bar concept remains alive and kicking. There’s still nothing like a lengthy list of specialty something-tinis to set girls-night-outers into a frenzy — and send purists mumbling about the downfall of plain old gin and vermouth.
The opening of Dirty Martini in River North, the latest addition to a pack of clubs named after the cocktail in question, prodded us to conduct our own far-from-scientific analysis.
Dirty Martini
23 W. Hubbard St. 312-661-1230
The bar, personified: That friend who tries to look edgy, but just ends up looking dated (glass brick bar) and cheap (sparkly sheer fabric hanging from the walls).
Age: Less than a month
Martinis on menu: 32
Most liberal use of the word martini: Sushitini. Rice vodka, sake and ginger syrup.
Dessert or drink? Tiramisu Martini
People actually drinking martinis*: 60 percent
The Martini Bar
401 S. LaSalle St. 312-377-6111
The bar, personified: Your colleague who’s either insanely busy or surfing YouTube. It can be a ghost town early in the week or a hotbed of traders blowing off steam as the weekend nears.
Age: 5 years
Martinis on menu: 36
Most liberal use of the word martini: Sparky. Absolut, Red Bull, 7-UP and cherry juice.
Dessert or drink? Snickerstini, served with a mini-Snickers bar (still in the wrapper, in our case).
People actually drinking martinis*: 30 percent
Martini Park
151 W. Erie St. 312-640-0577
The bar, personified: A lounge singer. Slick, impeccably groomed and consistent — but not necessarily original.
Age: 1 year
Martinis on menu: 25
Most liberal use of the word martini: Coconut. Malibu rum, coconut water and lemon with a toasted coconut rim.
Dessert or drink? Creamsicle Martini
People actually drinking martinis*: 50 percent
Martini Ranch
311 W. Chicago Ave. 312-335-9500
The bar, personified: Jessica Simpson. A bit country (cattle skull on the wall) and a bit glam (disco balls), with expensive taste (bottle service alcove cordoned off with velvet rope).
Age: 15-plus years
Martinis on menu: 56
Most liberal use of the word martini: Zombie. Two kinds of rum, plus pineapple, lime and lemon juices.
Dessert or drink? Mint Chocolate Chip Martini
People actually drinking martinis*: 80 percent
Tini Martini
2169 N. Milwaukee Ave. 773-269-2900
The bar, personified: An incongruously image-conscious barfly. Owner Tiz Savino was scouting locations for a tanning salon when he decided to open a bar in this former Alcoholics Anonymous meeting place. Seriously.
Age: 6 years
Martinis on menu: 62
Most liberal use of the word martini: Hpnotiq Breeze. Hpnotiq vodka, Malibu rum and pineapple juice.
Dessert or drink? Krispy Kreme Martini
People actually drinking martinis*: 40 percent
*DETERMINED BY TOTALLY UNSCIENTIFIC FIRST-PERSON OBSERVATION
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lmarnett@tribune.com
