So you don’t think arguing is good for you?
Well, you’re wrong.
Arguing helps resolve conflicts and may actually improve your chances at a longer life, according to a University of Michigan study released earlier this year.
In a study of 192 couples over 17 years, researchers found that when both spouses suppressed their anger after being verbally attacked by their partner, earlier death was twice as likely compared to cases in which at least one spouse communicated anger.
“Arguing is good for you,” said Andrew Rancer, a communications professor at the University of Akron. “Our entire society is built on arguing. Legislative, judicial systems depend on presenting good arguments and having other people refute those arguments.”
Take the presidential election, for example. On Nov. 4, millions of Americans will decide whether John McCain or Barack Obama made the best argument to lead the country.
In framing their cases, however, both candidates have employed poor persuasive techniques, experts say.
McCain and Obama invoked a negative tone in their campaigns instead of brushing off their opponent’s character attacks and focusing on the facts, according to analysts. In the televised debates, the candidates strayed from the questions asked by moderators and spouted off on their own topics. And throughout this long race to the White House, both men on occasion have lost their composure, raised their voices and failed to make eye contact, all examples of non-verbal aggressive behaviors.
“Arguing is very hard because our personalities keep getting in the way,” said Joshua Halberstam, author of “Everyday Ethics: Inspired Solutions to Real-Life Dilemmas.”
Tom Mangatu, 30, of Lincoln Park said he knows which friends to steer clear of when he wants to debate a point because some friends are more sensitive about certain topics, like religion and money, than others.
“I’m not going to bring up an issue if that person’s going to be hostile,” said Mangatu, who added that he likes to engage others in heated discussions a few times a day to get their point of views on various topics.
Communications experts say arguing is only helpful if the tactics are fair and appropriate. Arguers should focus on offering data and evidence to support their case and sticking to these issues.
Too often, arguers rely on verbal aggressiveness and try to humiliate or embarrass their opponents instead of listening to the opposite points of view and rebutting these points with facts, said Rancer, co-author of the book “Argumentative and Aggressive Communication: Theory, Research, and Application.”
When asked by RedEye, Jolan Emamali of Lincoln Square said he tries to stick to the issues and show patience during arguments. Emamali, 26, said he especially enjoys debating about politics.
He says the arguments usually arise when he poses an interesting question or observationto his friends, co-workers and his girlfriend.
“I just like to hear people’s opinions,” Emamali said. “When you argue, people are going to play off each other and you learn more about their views.”
Before engaging in a face off, Halberstam said it’s important to know which type of arguer you are, as well as which type your opponent is. RedEye asked Halberstam to outline typical conflict styles. Lynne Eisaguirre provided the animal categories, which appear in her workplace conflict-resolution book, “The Power of a Good Fight.”
Pit bull
Pit bulls love conflict and enjoy arguing. They are competitive all-out warriors, but in minor arguments, pit bulls can create lasting damage because they are too aggressive, Eisaguirre said.
Some examples of pit bulls include below-the-belt pelters (stunning their opponent by exploiting their weaknesses); loud-talkers (all arguments are in caps locks) and defender-benders (always on the defensive even when they are not under attack).
When arguing with pit bulls, don’t turn into one yourself, Eisaguirre said.
Instead, she recommends using the broken-record technique — ask the pit bull about his or her position in a pleasant, persistent way. “Pit bulls are like a balloon full of hot air. Let them ventilate,” Eisaguirre said. “Ask a lot of open-ended questions and eventually they’ll run down.”
Halberstam suggests not bothering perpetual arguers at all. He said for people who are always in a “permanent karate stance,” “it’s not about getting truth; it’s about winning arguments. You’ll never win; they’ll always continue to argue.”
Cobra
Cobras are aggressive about handling conflict, but they don’t argue directly with the person with which they are in conflict. Cobras, known for being sneaky, talk to others because they feel they don’t have as much power as their opponent.
The cobra conflict style is popular in unions, where workers pool their resources before approaching a manager with a problem.
In dealing with a cobra, “I think you need to name the game, tell them you know they are talking to others, ask what you can do to make it easier for you to talk to them about it directly,” Eisaguirre said.
Golden retriever
Golden retrievers are placators who try to avoid conflict. This person is very loyal and tries to take care of others’ feelings. A golden retriever likes to be liked and tends to give in. “They tend to be the cheerleaders among us. They are great for building morale,” Eisaguirre said. “But you don’t really know what they’re thinking and feeling; they’re tuned into other people’s feelings.”
When arguing with golden retrievers, you have to keep asking them to reaffirm their position. “You don’t get their best ideas because they’re so avoidant. If they don’t agree with the group, they may not say anything,” Eisaguirre said.
Halberstam said it’s tough to win an argument with a passive-aggressive arguer such as a golden retriever. “They’ll agree with you, but not really — just to avoid any type of confrontation.”
Roadrunner
The roadrunner is like an extreme version of the golden retriever. The roadrunner completely avoids conflict, even when the issue is important, Eisaguirre said. Roadrunners are not petty and don’t create a lot of dissension.
“They like to think before talking,” Eisaguirre said.
“If you’re dealing with someone who’s a roadrunner, you have to present the issue, but you have to give them time to think. Then set another date to talk about it, otherwise they’ll beep beep beep around the road avoiding you.”
People who are incapable of taking their own positions often agree with the last idea they heard, Halberstam said.
These conformist arguers will be convinced of their position by the last person with whom they talked.
Eagle
This is the ideal argument style, Eisaguirre said. An eagle realizes conflict can be productive and useful and handles the argument skillfully. An eagle thinks out an argument and approaches it with balance.
“It’s an ideal that most of us don’t meet. Most of us revert to these other styles when our back are against the wall,” Eisaguirre said. “You don’t want it to be an automatic knee-jerk reaction.”
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Are you a pit bull? Take this quiz
Lynne Eisaguirre, author of “The Power of a Good Fight,” devised animal categories to characterize different conflict styles. Eisaguirre said arguers can exhibit qualities from each of the five animal styles but probably relate more to one of the categories. What is your arguing style? Here is Eisaguirre’s conflict assessment.
— T.S.
You are a pit bull if …
– You are competitive — even in situations where the results aren’t important to you
– Co-workers frequently give in to you because it’s too much trouble to work things out
You are a cobra if …
– The idea of confronting someone directly with your issues intimidates you
– You need to talk extensively about your feelings with someone before you’re sure what you think and feel
You are a golden retriever if …
– You constantly try to take care of the feelings of others or to make them feel better
– Loyalty is one of your highest values
You are a roadrunner if …
– You are frequently unsure about where you stand on a particular issue that others seem to feel strongly about
– You avoid certain people in your organization who have an abrasive or competitive style
You are an eagle if …
– You consistently step back from the emotion of a conflict and think before responding
Others frequently ask you to mediate their disputes
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tswartz@tribune.com
See related story “The art of arguing” RedEye, Page 7
