In the service of holiday spirit and cheer, we ask that you speak of the following with no one. Burn upon reading. We have taken a fine scalpel to the offerings at five popular local Santalands, evaluating energy level, lap time, and fun. We visited a few during peak hours, and a couple during quieter moments. (Check with each mall for Santa-specific hours, as they may change the nearer you get to Christmas.) We have left out the many real-world aliases that Santa and his elves go by — in the interest of preserving the magic. Likewise, in the interest of retaining a level playing field, we are referring to each Santa visitation as a Santaland (though some are billed as Wonderlands). That candy-cane rating? One candy cane is a dour Santa. Four is an ideal Santa — jolly, gentle, exuberant. The rest, as they mutter around the workshop, is what the North Pole doesn’t want you to know:
Macy’s on State
111 N. State St.; 312-781-1000, visitmacyschicago.com. Photos: $12.95-$29.95. (Video available.)
The aura is hard to overstate. Santaland is tucked away on the fifth floor, deep within the vast iconic spaces of the old Marshall Field’s flagship. Take the escalator and the ascent gathers magic from the dramatic architecture alone. Soak it in, because that aura recedes at the doors of Cozy Cloud Cottage — a sort of Christmas-themed haunted house/waiting room. Here, you wait for Santa. And wait. Decorations are colorful and expensive — jazz-playing bears, giant weather vanes and a large Santa clock to remind parents of their mortality. A few of the elves sing softly to the children in line. But I’m mixed on what comes next. Cute points for the stained-glass window initially separating children from Santa’s throne — they tend to press their noses against it for a peek. But not-cool points for Santa’s designated welcoming — “Ho, ho, ho! Here’s [insert your child’s name]! Macy’s! 2008!” He says it for the sake of the video recorded with each visit.
But it’s crass. Indeed, the first thing you notice in Santa’s sitting room is the corporate chill, that fireplace without a fire, and that as much space has been designated for the cash registers and cameras as for the visiting area. Santa himself, however, isn’t cheap at all — pensive, crinkly-eyed, not jolly like a bowl full of jelly, but authentic. My Santa (there are three at Macy’s) had a thoughtful habit of reminding kids, pausing a moment for theatrical effect, to go to sleep early Christmas Eve. We chatted awhile: Santa mentioned he lights the city’s Christmas tree with Mayor Daley each year. He also said he recently lost 30 pounds.
Santa’s Jolliness: Two candy canes.
Average Lap Time: 4 min., 13 sec.
Children at this location have asked for: Santa said: “One child asked for a ghost — I said ‘I’ll talk to the elves.'”
Santaland Confidential: You know how Macy’s holiday theme is “Believe”? Parents of fidgety children should note this is arguably the most popular Santa visitation in the Chicago area — expect a 90-minute wait (or longer on weekends), and being corralled in a dark, cramped winding Wonderland with holiday music playing in an incessant loop. An elf whispered to me they have an inside joke around Santa’s Workshop these days: “Hopefully they’ll still believe by the time they see Santa.”
Spring Hill Mall
1072 Spring Hill Mall, West Dundee; 847-428-2200, springhillmall.com. Photos: $12.99-$45.99.
A classic old-school mall Santaland at a time when mall Santalands look more like a Pottery Barn sale than an FAO Schwarz. The set is Santa’s workshop, and it’s towering, artificial and colorful, with teddy bears riding rocking horses and automated elves pushing cranes and a giant working telescope. It’s all extremely cute. If there’s unspoken theme, it’s tradition — this Santa has been with Spring Hill for 15 years. His head elf, Stephanie, 20, was once a customer. Santa takes the job extremely seriously. He is grandfatherly and warm. When I ask why he is stripped to a pajama top and suspenders, his hair pulled into a ponytail, with no hat, he explains he is a workshop Santa — “And why would Santa wear his suit around his own workshop?” His elves don’t know his real name or where he lives — though one elf said she once peeked at payroll, unable to resist. There is tension in Santaland, after all. Santa (the only Santa here) works seven days, doing 11-hour shifts with only two breaks. He can get crabby, I’m told. Also, he does not give candy canes, only coloring books — the kids don’t need the sugar. So, a very upstanding Santa. Asked to spill some dirt on the parents, he would only say, “Oh, the things I could show you if I put a camera in this wreath above my head.” Paranoid, Mr. Claus. Smart idea, but paranoid.
Santa’s Jolliness: Four candy canes.
Average Lap Time: 3 min., 3 sec.
Children at this location have asked for: A xylophone, a bank safe, a punching bag.
Santaland Confidential: You’ve heard of those pushy helicopter parents? This season, think flying-sled parents: Jockeying her son for position in a long line, one mother here recently got into a shoving match with a middle-aged elf. But according to another elf close to Santa, far worse are the overbearing parents who use a stressed-out child’s fear of Santa to coerce a decent picture. “I hear stuff like ‘If you don’t smile for Santa, Santa’s not going to bring you anything for Christmas.'”
Bass Pro Shops
709 N. Janes Ave., Bolingbrook; 630-296-2700, basspro.com. Photos: 1st free, then $19.99-$49.99.
I pass 28 stuffed deer heads on the way to the Santaland here, and when I reach Santaland, I find Santa beside a pair of enormous taxidermied caribou — I assumed at first they were Santa’s reindeer. I bet a lot of kids do. There are more screaming children at this Santaland than any other I visited. Although perhaps, that’s the idea — younger children, more often than not, lose their cool when placed on Santa’s lap, and an elf told me some parents are even disappointed when their child doesn’t scream. “They want the blackmail pictures,” she explained. Which entirely fits this Santaland, one of the goofier in the region, the sort that children forever remember as far grander than it actually was. Santa has a genuine gravitas, and I am told he is “naturally chunky,” but he is more subdued than most — considering those hordes of screamers, let’s just say he’s unflappable.
Still, it’s hard not to be charmed by how off-the-rails wacky this Santaland is: On one hand, here are tables set up for letters to Santa — which strikes me as counterintuitive, because he’s sitting right over there. On the other hand, the fake trees and piles of plastic snow sit on a not particularly magical concrete floor — the one section of this Bass Pro that doesn’t resemble an enormous ski lodge complete with toasty fireplaces. There is cookie decorating, glue guns for antler ears, and camouflage stockings. To the right of Santa, there is a children’s crossbow contest where they can shoot rubber arrows at silhouettes of squirrels. To the left, a BB gun contest, with more animal targets. The elves are enthusiastic, and there are just so many of them, wearing their elf reds and greens. One consideration: Your child’s photo will be stamped at the bottom with a decorative Bass Pro logo.
Santa’s Jolliness: Two candy canes.
Average Lap Time: 2 min., 2 sec.
Children at this location have asked for: Santa said one child requested a live-in elf, “for making toys whenever he needed them.”
Santaland Confidential: Early in the season, one Santa at this location lasted exactly one day. “He was a real skinny Santa,” an elf said. “Yeah, the kids saw right though him,” another elf said. “You can’t step into Santa’s Wonderland unprepared and this Santa just had not done his homework. It was a bad scene.”
The 900 Shops
900 N. Michigan Ave.; 312-915-3916; shop900.com. Photos: $13.99-$34.99.
A casual Santaland. Santa is stationed between Mark Shale and a bank of escalators, on the third floor. My initial reaction is: Santa looks tired. “Santa is tired,” one of his elves said with a sardonic laugh. I had missed the Saturday rush. But Santa rallies, leaning in to whisper “Happy Birthday” to a girl as she edges away, back to her mother. He gently moved a boy’s hand from his face, for the sake of the picture. A fair number of adults sit on Santa’s lap here, and he never talks down to them (or up) — even when an older woman left his lap without a word and teetered over to the camera to consider the picture they had taken, then teetered back and requested a reshoot. His smile, throughout, was small and clenched.
This Santaland feels more like an antique parlor — or a checked-tablecloth Italian bistro pushing hard on the authentic rustic thing. The walls are painted to resemble cream-colored stones. The decorations — large fake trees, piles of presents wrapped in a burgundy paper, everything strung with garland and trimmed with thousands of cranberry-colored beads, which match Santa’s velvet bag. His beard — dense and knotty, like a dead bush in February. I mean that in a nice way. Santa has a quiet modesty and — keeping with the apparent absence of morbid obesity in our contemporary Santas, he’s large but not rotund. He also hands out a high-quality stuffed penguin or polar bear to every child.
Santa’s Jolliness: Three candy canes.
Average Lap Time: 2 min., 12 sec.
Children at this location have asked for: Cars, $5,000 handbags, pets. (Please note: This Santa holds firm to a no-pets policy — which is to say, he always tells a child who requests a pet that the child should take that request up with their parents.)
Santaland Confidential: A few Santas I met have no alternates. They are the Santa, every day, and this applies to The 900 Shops. So, considering the long hours, a number of Santa’s elves here let it slip that Santa is not pleased with his throne — it’s too hard, and one’s magical rumpus can go numb during a seven-hour shift.
Northbrook Court
2171 Northbrook Ct., Northbrook; 847-498-8161; northbrookcourt.com. Photos: $15.99-$49.99.
“We always come here,” a mother said to me. I’m not feeling it. When I arrive on a cold Monday night, the mall is empty, and Santa is missing. This Santaland is more of a holiday garden anyway, overstuffed with faux poinsettias and garland snaking around a maze of trestles and doorways. Then Santa arrives. He has arched graying eyebrows and rosy cheeks (a rarity). He enters on the down escalator, shaking sleigh bells. A few children wander over. A 2-year old boy in a new red sweater races up to Santa and smiles — Santa bends at the waist and winks. “Oh, this is so wonderful, to see you all!” Santa said in a gentle booming voice. “Big and small! Short and tall!” The elves are not yet back from their break. So Santa sits on the lip of the mall fountain and chats to a couple of children. Giving up on the elves, he finally wanders over to Santaland and opens the gates himself, waving the children toward his chair. His method is surprisingly intimate, with no condescension — he asks follow-up questions, and he nods. He takes notes! (Nice touch.) The elves, incidentally, are more pleasant than most, but do not look the part — white button-down shirts splayed at the collar? Ditkaesque mustaches?. Otherwise, A simple, classy Claus — that’s how you do it.
Santa’s Jolliness: Four candy canes.
Average Lap Time: 4 min., 10 sec.
Children at this location have asked for: Practical stuff. For example, a new kitchen for Mom, a backyard to play in, a few more years of life for an arthritic bulldog. Santa recalled one child, when asked what he wanted, replied: “Santa, you’ve done such a great job in the past, I don’t really need anything this year.”
Santaland Confidential: The beard is real, the color is not. Santa dyes. Most Santas said their beards are all-natural. That said, many also insist they are Santa.
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cborrelli@tribune.com
