Do you have trouble getting along with a brother or sister? Do you feel tension in the pit of your stomach just thinking about it? While clashing is normal until the teenage years, it’s a different ballgame when those years are over. Sibling rivalry is a hurtful situation as time goes on.
“I’m an expert when it comes to negotiating business deals,” says a man we’ll call Evan. “But I can’t seem to work out a decent relationship with my brother. That hurts. Every time we’re together, it’s like mixing gasoline and fire.”
Psychologists say that sibling rivalry begins as competition for parents’ attention. As kids, we each act out behaviors, however crazy or obnoxious, to get adult family members to notice us. It becomes a script that we continue to act out. Children born close in years often have the worst sibling rivalry.
Jealousy can also result from one parent’s favoring a certain child. Or, if one child makes better grades or has a better personality, this can cause sibling conflict. Self-esteem issues start to enter the picture.
Want to cool the rivalry? Try these tactics:
*Play down all differences. If you’re a doctor and your brother is a carpenter, let him know that you respect him. Ask for his advice.
*Create equality when you’re together. If you live in a mansion and your sister doesn’t, ask her and her family to come stay at an affordable beach house with your family. At the beach house, your sister will feel more financially equal to you.
*Build common interests. All of your conversation should revolve around what you have in common, so seek ways to enjoy jazz music together or cookbooks you both enjoy.
Discussing past hurts is probably useless; you can’t change the past. If you lower the tension by building common ground, you can eventually talk about past pain.
“I really had a lot of apologizing to do concerning my brother,” says a woman we know. “I was pretty mean to him growing up. When we started mending fences, I told him how sorry I was. Thankfully, he forgave me.”
Remember, too, that all sibling relationships are flawed. Don’t demand perfection of your siblings, and don’t look for underlying criticisms in their conversations.
