Dear Amy: “Steve” and I dated for a year when we were in high school — 33 years ago. It was an intense romantic relationship, but I eventually ended it because Steve’s reckless and impulsive behavior scared me.
I moved away after high school and have not been back since. Recently, Steve and other high school friends contacted me on Facebook.
They hang out together frequently in my hometown, and it has been nice catching up with them.
I’d like to go back for a visit, but I have a dilemma: I’m happily married, and Steve is married too, apparently not so happily.
I have no desire to meet as anything but old friends, but it’s clear from the tone of his communications with me that he’d like more than that.
I haven’t responded as anything other than a friend, and I’ve asked him several times to cut it out.
I’ve thought of meeting with my other friends and excluding him, but I know they’d tell him and he would be hurt.
I’ve also considered making it clear that I won’t meet with him except as part of a group (I hope with his wife and daughter included), but knowing him, he’d pop up unexpectedly and alone at some point.
I don’t want to ask my husband to go, just to “protect” me.
Any suggestions other than just not going?
— So Over Him
Dear Over: You may be overthinking this. You have attempted to direct “Steve’s” Facebook contact, and he either hasn’t read your cues correctly or doesn’t care. Ignore him. Don’t respond.
Go to your hometown. Bring your family with you — not for protection but because it might be rewarding to bring these two parts of your life together.
Your job is to be yourself, regardless of the inappropriate or sly come-on of a bully.
If Steve is still the reckless and impulsive guy who creeped you out in high school, tolerate him in a group and avoid any alone time with him. If he pops up unexpectedly, you simply behave cordially, coolly and like a grown-up whose life has expanded far and wide beyond the halls of high school.
Dear Amy: I have longtime friends/acquaintances who have a son who is gay. I figured it out when he was in his early teens, but I’m not sure they knew at that time.
I have reason to believe that they will soon be informing me of his sexual preferences. I have no problem with this, but my question is how should I respond? Should I act as if this is new information or say I had already surmised this many years ago?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: One sad aspect of the coming-out process is that a person basically publicly discloses something that actually isn’t anyone’s business.
You don’t need to practice your reaction in the mirror. If this family makes a point of saying, “We’d like you to know that ‘Brent’ is gay,” you can answer by saying, “OK. And how are things going for him? Is he doing well? Are you doing well?” You listen to their answers and reply in an affirmative, supportive or neutral way.
It’s not polite to offer up your suspicions and speculation about the history of someone’s sexuality. This is really your friends’ story to tell — so let them tell it without intrusion.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the question about a co-worker who took and kept an unflattering photo of a colleague. I am a human resources executive with more than 25 years of experience. I know this stuff.
Employees are all too happy to leap to “hostile work environment” when anyone does something they don’t like at work. There is a specific legal requirement for something to be considered by law to be a hostile work environment.
Furthermore, 21st century human resources management does not include getting involved in squabbles between employees.
Our role is as a business function, not the party or make-everybody-happy department. People don’t get along. People sometimes get offended. Unless the offense or the problematic relationship is based on an illegal behavior, it is up to the employees — presumably adults — to work it out.
— HR Professional
Dear Pro: I completely agree. My experience is that HR will assist, advise and offer to mediate a serious issue if asked but will not act as social director between colleagues.
