May 31, 2011: the day that we as a nation looked down at the phones in our hands and cringed to think that maybe they had betrayed us.
That was the day the World Health Organization declared cellphones a Group 2B carcinogen, meaning that possibly, in juuuuuuust the right circumstances, they might maybe give us cancer. Which, with more and more people depending on their phones, is a little bit terrifying.
But, hey, it’s not all bad. Let’s use this as an opportunity, America, to pick ourselves up, plug in our land lines and remind ourselves how else to avoid things on the 2B list. It’s for our health, right?
*Ferns. OK, this one’s easy to stay away from, unless you have a habit of eating houseplants.
*Chloroform. Just don’t get kidnapped by any old-timey gangsters, and you’ll be fine.
*Welding fumes. Don’t be a welder.
*Being a firefighter. Don’t be a firefighter.
*Talc-based body powders. Stay sticky, my friends.
*Pickles. Swallow your Chicago-dog pride and switch to Michigan red-hots.
*Magenta dyes. They’re mostly used in hair dye, so either go natural or ask your hippie friend to soak your hair in henna.
*Gasoline and engine fumes from gasoline. Kiss that car goodbye, hypochondriacs!
*Coffee. What? No.
*Carageenans. Quick background: Carageenans are in lots of things, and when you ingest them, your body breaks them down into poligeenans, which are not so good. Got it? But it looks like carageenans are used in pet food, soy milk, toothpaste, processed meats, Fruit Gushers candy, diet sodas, beer, ice cream …
I give up. Life without ice cream, beer and Diet Coke? I might as well leave my cell on.
Megan Crepeau is the coordinator for the Tribune’s editorial board.
