Dear Amy: Our house has a septic system and is not on a sewer line.
Recently, our lower-level toilet overflowed and sewage backed up into the shower next to it. It was not pretty, to say the least, and was a shock because we had just had our system pumped and checked and were told that all was well.
I called a plumber, who had to remove the toilet to diagnose the problem — which it turns out was caused by some feminine hygiene products that had completely clogged the system. He was able to fix it, but it cost us $400.
Here’s the issue: We’re all boys at this house, with the exception of my wife, who does not use these products.
There’s only one woman who has used that bathroom recently, and that’s my son’s relatively new and somewhat ditsy 21-year-old girlfriend.
Needless to say, this can’t happen again, and I think someone needs to tell her that you can’t flush this stuff. But who? My son? My wife? Me?
Can we also ask her or her parents to pay for the repair, or at least part of it? Is that going too far?
Isn’t it common knowledge among women not to flush this stuff? I’m a 50-year-old man, and even I knew not to flush it.
Amy, this is not my area of expertise (surprise!), and I’m just a tad uncomfortable talking about it. I’m going to go watch some football now to make myself feel better.
— Overflowed and Underfunded
Dear Overflowed: I think there is some overall confusion on what can and cannot be flushed, but your paramount concern should be what’s going on with your house’s plumbing.
So let’s ask your wife to talk to the girlfriend about this. Why? Because she’s not here to defend herself.
Your wife only needs to say, “We just had a problem with our plumbing, and the plumber told us to remind our guests not to flush any feminine products down the toilet, OK?” (Provide a waste receptacle in the bathroom.)
You may not ask the girlfriend or her parents to pay for this repair. This incident falls under the category called “stuff happens.”
Dear Amy: I have been married and divorced once, and was in a long-term relationship for 27 years that ended when my sweetheart died at age 48. We should have had our old age together, but that didn’t happen. I still miss him, and when I think of him I still cry.
I now have another man who is interested in a relationship with me. He seems very nice and kind, but I really don’t know him very well, yet.
Is it dumb for me to even be considering getting to know him better when I am still missing my partner? Is it fair to this man?
— I’m Confused
Dear Confused: To a certain extent, the man in question gets to decide what is and is not “fair” to him.
You need to concentrate on you.
You may find that getting to know this man very carefully and gradually allows you to heal and process some of your grief in a way that is also conducive to emotional intimacy.
What you must not do is anything dramatic. A rough guideline is to not make any sudden moves for the first year after the death of a loved one. Take it easy.
Dear Amy: I read with great amusement the letter from the “Frustrated Grandparents,” whose 8-year-old granddaughter did not want to dress like a girl.
I also had a young daughter who did not want to dress like a girl. Our very wise son told us to leave her alone and that things would change when she hit middle school.
He was absolutely right! Now this girl is a teenage fashionista with amazing taste and style. There are some days my husband longs for the tomboy outfits!
These grandparents should relax and enjoy the time they have with their granddaughter. Life is too short to make a big deal out of what an 8-year-old wears. I have the Christmas pictures to prove it!
— Been There
Dear Been There: I agree!
