Paul Goldschmidt goes to the Cardinals — and prayers go out to a couple of Cubs pitchers

The Old Man and the Snark:

Annual MVP candidate and new Cardinals first baseman Paul Goldschmidt slugs .750 with an on-base-plus-slugging percentage of 1.321 against Jon Lester, but hey, at least that solves the whole ugly can’t-throw-to-first-base thing.

Goldschmidt slugs – slugs! — 1.375 against Jose Quintana, but hey, at least that solves the whole ugly pitching-from-the-stretch thing.

When was the last time the Cardinals got better offseason toys than Theo Epstein’s Cubs?

And during Hannukah, no less.

The NFL didn’t really investigate former Chief Kareem Hunt about charges of committing violence against a woman last February, and the league certainly didn’t come up with the videotape from the Cleveland hotel where the sick incident occurred.

Because the NFL didn’t care enough to know what happened.

TMZ cared. TMZ released the videotape of Hunt abusing a teenager. That occurred in the wake of the Redskins’ claiming Reuben Foster off waivers seemingly only hours after being charged with abusing a woman.

The NFL regularly shows you how despicable it is.

What’s more, the fact that Matt Nagy, the most visible spokesface for the Bears, didn’t immediately dismiss bringing in Hunt tells you the Bears are willing to wallow in despicability. Is this the way your father’s league should act, Virginia McCaskey?

Email from Patrick K.: “As the old adage goes, if Hannibal Lecter could run a 4.3 40, some NFL GM would claim he just had an eating disorder.’’

Is it just me, or is Taquan Mizzell becoming Nagy’s Neifi Perez?

Will Colin Kaepernick enter the courtoom for his collusion case against the NFL wearing a Mark Sanchez Redskins jersey or a Josh Johnson Redskins jersey?

It’s early, but Jim Boylen-Jeremy Colliton recalls the Bulls-Hawks glory years of Tim Floyd-Lorne Molleken.

I’ve heard “Jeremy Boylen’’ and “Jim Colliton.’’ C’mon people, we need a decision.

So, Boylen’s doppelgänger: “Uncle Fester,’’ “Dr. Evil’’ or Hank from “Breaking Bad?’’ Web poll!

Bulls management’s philosophy: Hire a coach, give him the wrong players, fire the coach. Blather, wince, repeat.

Bulls new permanent interim coach’s philosophy: Take pace-and-space players, make them run suicides in practice but demand they play like mudders in games, later wonder how you lost the locker room in five minutes.

Although, I will allow this one ray of hope that Boylen is smarter than his bosses because he knows his best chance to succeed is to develop a style opposite of the way his bosses claim the roster is designed to play.

When the Blackhawks fired gimme Hall-of-Fame coach Joel Quenneville, they said it was a bottom-line business, and Colliton now has coached Stan Bowman’s players almost to the bottom of the Western Conference. Hawks management wonks ought to tell this roster that the playoffs are the other way.

Oh, wait, they already did, and how’d that work out for everyone?

Attendance for the Illini’s 77-67 loss to Ohio State at the United Center on Wednesday was 5,285, and all I can say is, those people are lucky we aren’t publishing their names.

If Illini coach Brad Underwood continues losing, he should be looking at a big extension, and I’m wondering, does the business school at Illinois study the athletic department?

What’s up, Adam Archuleta?

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