Was Bernie Sanders robbed once again of a clear victory speech in Iowa — this time by that colossal counting fail at the Democratic caucuses on Tuesday, which allowed Joe Biden to pretend, at least for a few desperate hours, that he is still somewhat viable?
Yeah. Sure looks like absolute chaos going into New Hampshire.
And you know what billionaire Mike Bloomberg must be thinking:
Chaos is a ladder.
You don’t need a box to climb it.
And chaos brings the moutza.
I wondered what CNN’s Don Lemon would say, but he’s too probably too busy unwittingly working to reelect President Donald Trump. Lemon is carrying on an idiotic trend in American journalism:
Ridiculing voters (and viewers and readers) if they don’t agree with your politics.
As to the failure at the caucuses, blaming all Iowans is unfair. The caucuses are all about the grassroots, and about neighbors engaged in civic life. It is something to value. The people of Iowa didn’t fail. The state Democratic Party failed them.
But we’re not awarding the Golden Moutza of February, because today, The Golden Moutza of January is at hand.
Likewise, that J-Lo business at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Was J-Lo touching herself appropriate? Inappropriate? Empowering? Objectifying? Would Bill Clinton and the late Ted Kennedy have loved it?
“Don’t go there,” said a woman of J-Lo’s age. OK, I won’t.
Except to defend J-Lo’s touching herself as absolutely appropriate — if she were working in a strip club in Harvey.
Were those little girls with her up on stage, dressed all in white, empowered? By putting on the show, the NFL tells us there’s nothing as empowering for young women as the sight of a 50-year old on a stripper pole.
But that’s February. What of January?
“It’s time to build a moutza machine that can work at 3,000 RPM,” whined reader Bob Kit on social media, where the Golden Moutza nominations are made. “We just don’t have the time to NAH! all those who truly deserve it.”
The only man who could invent such a machine is the drunken scientific genius and space traveler Rick Sanchez of Rick and Morty cartoon fame. But he’s trapped in a Pringles commercial.
“Too many possibilities,” complained reader Kathleen Sawicki. “Can’t you put all of them on a big wheel and we can spin? Spin is big these days!”
No spin, no wheels, no moutza machine. Just extend your naked palm at some moron worthy of contempt, spread your fingers wide and in the way of my ancient Greek ancestors, say Nah! (Here) or Feesah etho! (Blow on this.)
You can give a single, double, even a quadruple if you take your shoes and socks off.
“I challenge you to find a person who doesn’t reside on party lines,” said Leanne Edwards. “Someone whose conduct betrays common sense, but not blue nor red.”
Nonpartisan? Like the hearing-impaired fellow who sued Pornhub for not including closed captioning of fake moans? Or the dentist who did a root canal while standing on a hoverboard?
“My head is spinning,” complained Linda Feddor Cappozzo. “Each month it becomes more difficult to choose a worthy candidate!”
She settled giving a double to Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa, who wanted a contest to find a girlfriend he could take to the moon.
The 44-year-old fashion retail tycoon was searching for a “life partner” to join him on the moon in 2023, when he’s scheduled to blast off in an Elon Musk rocket.
Maezawa insisted the woman must be female, single and over 20, and be ready to compete with other young women in a TV documentary. No word yet on any pole dancing.
He’s since canceled his plan. But the moutza is valid. As Omar Khayyam might have written, if he thought of it, “The Moutza hand, having Moutzaed, moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit, nor all thy Tears wash out a Palm of it.”
“He labeled his contest ‘Full Moon Lovers,” said Cappozzo. “Nah and Nah!”
“Jussie Smollett yet again, for going after (former Chicago police Superintendent) Eddie Johnson,” said Lynda Vitale Turner. “He needs to slither away. Nah!”
But not before he endorses Cook County State’s Attorney Kim Foxx.
“The royal McCaskey family for passing on (Super Bowl winning quarterback) Patrick Mahomes for Trubisky,” writes an embittered Peter V. Bella. “Off with their heads! Nah!”
Peter, family matriarch Virginia McCaskey is not eligible. She’s much too nice.
The reader known as Beer Girl demands an anti-moutza.
“I’m giving the Golden Beer Girl Award to members of the Australian Navy who delivered 800 gallons of beer to a fire-ravaged town during the wildfires,” says Beer Girl. “Good job mates!”
Nice.
I tried to interest the judges in nonpolitical candidates, such as the deaf porn addict or the hoverboard dentist,. BUT many insisted on only one: Don Lemon.
In a recent CNN video clip that went viral, Lemon and two guests, a New York Times writer and a Never Trump Republican, mocked Trump voters as “credulous boomer rubes.” They laughed and laughed, calling such voters ignorant, illiterate and dumb, and using fake Southern accents to put them in Hillary Clinton’s basket of working class deplorables.
It was a stupid thing to do, but Lemon isn’t alone. Americans see similar attitudes across journalism: If they disagree with a journalists’ political beliefs, they’re subject to public ridicule.
Politicians are always fair game for ridicule. But voters? No. That’s bad journalism, bad politics and bad business.
“Does anyone remember when CNN used to be a real news station?” said Jim Arvites.
I do. There are exceptional journalists at CNN, such as Jake Tapper. But theatrical bozos in pursuit of personal glory can ruin their news operation’s brand. The Trump campaign has made Lemon the star of a powerful commercial.
“I’m going with Don Lemon and crew,” said Lori Trentanelli. “Nah! Feesah!”
“It has to be Don Lemon,” said Joanne Makris Roloff. “Cackling like a hyena. Nah!”
This practice of ridiculing viewers (and readers) for their politics must end.
Lift your foolish face, Don Lemon. Behold, the Golden Moutza of January is at hand.
Laugh. Go ahead. Laugh.
Now blow on it.
Listen to “The Chicago Way” podcast with John Kass and Jeff Carlin — at www.wgnradio.com/category/wgn-plus/thechicagoway.
Twitter @John_Kass
