“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I am seeing a new guy (40), and we just started getting intimate a few weeks ago. Besides the fact that he has not orgasmed yet, he also does not seem to be interested in foreplay for himself. I have tried my whole bag of tricks, literally everything, and he just doesn’t get turned on by anything other than kissing on the mouth and penis play — oral and hand. He is very vanilla. He is OK with foreplay for me, but I would also enjoy myself more if anything I did seemed to matter. I would like for him to have more fun. Any suggestions? Thank you. — Adventurous
Dear Adventurous,
What makes you think he’s not having fun? Has he said, “You, Adventurous, are a boundless canoe of unfun!?” I’m guessing not. And sometimes it takes more than a few weeks to warm up to someone in the sack — to let our guards down, to be vulnerable with our needs and wants and desires — because it’s scary to open up to a new person that way and potentially be rejected. Easier to stick with the “safe” stuff — the standard fare that we know works and won’t rock the boat (even if that’s precisely what you want.)
Or, maybe he’s just not into “foreplay.” However, I’m not entirely sure what you’re counting as foreplay! Many people would consider everything that comes before penis-in-vagina sex, such as hand jobs and oral, to be foreplay. And you say he enjoys these things. As well as frenching. So I’m not sure what other play he’s not enjoying. In other words, what’s frustrating you? Is it that he doesn’t respond to nipple play? To neck kissing? To grinding? Rimming? Dirty talk? And perhaps more to the point, have you asked him directly?
Have you said, “It would turn me on immensely to turn you on more in bed. Are there things you’d like me to do that I’m not currently doing?”
He might say that he’s perfectly happy going straight from kissing to handies or blowies (as no one calls them), in which case you’ll have to take him at face value until he tells you otherwise and keep doing what you’re doing — or experimenting until you hit some hidden jackpot (that might not exist).
I get your frustration, though. We all want to feel like we’re blowing our partner’s Teva sandals right off, and when we don’t get the reactions we want, we can feel annoyed or let down or that we’re doing a “bad” job. Especially if what you’ve done with this new guy has served you well before, a la, your “whole bag of tricks.”
But, as irritating as it is to have to start over every time we bang someone new, each person is different, with different needs and body responses and thresholds, and sometimes it takes a lot of time, effort and trust to bring that out of people. Vulnerability helps tremendously. And so does time. Keep talking about your desires and wants and asking about his, and remember that what works for some won’t work for others, and it’s not (usually) personal. It’s just bodies, being miraculous and assholes.
Good luck!
