Q: Now that most of my meetings are on the computer I am noticing one member of my team cannot shut up. He monopolizes meetings, and monologues endlessly. I’ve tried changing the topic, or interrupting him but nothing works. He always talked too much but now we cannot get our work done. How do I shut him up?
A: You’ll be able to shut him up if you realize your master of the meeting monologue is talking because he’s anxious. If you understand the emotional root of annoying office behavior you have a prayer of stopping the behavior. You need to address his anxiety by paraphrasing him and asking for his help.
Any compulsive activity where we do too much of anything is based in fear. Moreover, people that engage in obsessive behavior struggle with shame that they cannot control their behavior. Whether we obsessively check a stove, drink, overeat or talk too much compulsive behavior and shame are common bed fellows.
If you directly confront the other person will feel ashamed which will make him or her afraid and then the behavior will get worse. Instead listen closely to what is making your co-worker anxious. In compulsive behavior the fear is usually unconscious and making what is unconscious conscious settles people down. A fear that we can articulate and understand diminishes in power and influence. Many of our fears are irrational. When someone puts our fear into words we can see it is unlikely.
An example of paraphrasing would be, “So Fred, sounds like you worry our department might be shut down if we make a mistake?” Notice that our fear causes us to exaggerate our risk and maximize perceived threats.
After summarizing the core fear in a paraphrase ask your co-worker for help. A statement like, “Fred my understanding is our team needs to get our budget set for 2021 in this meeting can you help us finish getting those numbers estimated before we leave this meeting?”
If the above techniques do not work to stop your master of the monologue then appeal to your team for help. As your co-worker is talking say, “Fred I want to check in with the team. What did the team need to get done before we finish our meeting today?”
What you never want to do is personally confront your co-worker. Ironically the team will end up seeing you as the problem since it appears you started a fight. If instead you first paraphrase the fear, then ask your co-worker for help, and lastly get the group to help you’ll have less talk and more task.
Most people right now are more anxious than they have ever been. They worry about dying, worry about having no job, and worry about our world falling apart. Anyone that is normally talkative may be trying to disperse their higher anxiety through constant conversation.
There’s a saying that you can never get enough of what you never really needed in the first place. If we try filling the hole in our souls that the wind whistles through with compulsive activities it doesn’t work and leaves us feeling emptier. Facing our empty and frightening places is the only path that reduces compulsions.
No amount of talking will remove your co-worker’s fear. However, your ability to perceive, articulate, and make room for his or her anxiety will allow your team to get back to the task at hand.
The last word(s)
Q: Is there any tool that could help me cope with this seemingly unending slog until we get a vaccine?
A: Yes, I guarantee you we will find solutions for this problem and then we will have new problems to solve. Work on becoming an expert problem solver and realize a good life is having new problems not no problems.
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(Daneen Skube, Ph.D., executive coach, trainer, therapist and speaker, also appears as the FOX Channel’s “Workplace Guru” each Monday morning. She’s the author of “Interpersonal Edge: Breakthrough Tools for Talking to Anyone, Anywhere, About Anything” (Hay House, 2006). You can contact Dr. Skube at www.interpersonaledge.com or 1420 NW Gilman Blvd., #2845, Issaquah, WA 98027. Sorry, no personal replies.)
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