My husband and I got married this spring — a celebration we had to postpone not once but twice due to the pandemic. Although the gathering was outdoors and in compliance with our state’s guidelines, one older couple kept their masks on the entire time — including during dinner. I am feeling annoyed we paid for two plates that went unused. Should I say something to them?
I understand your frustration. On top of the myriad curveballs the pandemic lobbed at would-be newlyweds, you encountered one more. In any epoch but this one, who could have envisioned a wedding guest choosing to fast rather than risk unmasking at mealtime?
And yet, as the honorees of this occasion, your role is to be gracious. Meeting people where they are and accepting their choices about their own health is something we are going to be practicing a lot as we navigate the odd limbo that is mid-vaccination America.
I don’t see anything but hurt coming out of your broaching this subject. Instead, focus on the fact that despite their obvious fears, they loved you enough that they made every effort to be in attendance for your special day. While many friends and extended family might cite the sirloin steak or open bar as their primary motivators for accepting a wedding invite, your cautious couple partook of none of that.
With that said, a word now for guests who feel similarly leery about unmasking. Please don’t wait until the betrotheds’ big day to announce you’ll be skipping the wedding feasting. As large-scale weddings return, many couples will be stretching budgets to spoil their guests. Though a decision to abstain from eating is yours alone, to disregard the ripple effect of your choice displays a thoughtlessness I don’t think you intend. When you confirm your attendance, please give the couple a heads-up you’ll be demurring on dining.
Any time I’m a house guest, I make it a habit to strip the bed linens before my departure. Some hosts have seemed less than happy I’ve done so. Isn’t this the considerate thing to do?
It’s always vexing when a good deed is met with a reaction other than what we expected. One of the challenges of interacting in polite society is parsing the difference between “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” and “Oh, you shouldn’t have.”
Your best bet is to inquire about the bedding before removing it. Listen carefully to the host’s reply, inferring as best you can whether “Don’t worry about it” actually means “That would be fantastic,” or the unspoken sentiment is “I’d much prefer you not.” Whatever you do, making a bed prior to your leaving — implying the host has no intention of laundering the sheets after your departure — is a no-no for sure.
Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, is a nationally regarded expert who appears regularly in the media to discuss modern-day etiquette dilemmas. Send your question to info@whatmannersmost.com and follow Thomas on Facebook, Twitter, Clubhouse and Instagram. For more insights, subscribe to his podcast, “What Manners Most.”
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