Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes Friday at noon Chicago time. Winner is published in the Sunday paper (with a week delay when I’m on vacation) Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — ericzorn@gmail.com — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. And if you’d like never to be included in this feature, let me know and I’ll be glad to honor your request. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
Yes Carly Simon, he sounds like a narcissist. But it seems gratuitous to repeatedly call him out for thinking the song was about him when the song was indeed about him … @MelvinofYork
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names. …. @IamJackBoot
Twitter: So few pearls, so much clutching … @Hugh_Ryan
Who is more forsaken than the person on the group text who writes the last thing and everyone suddenly decides to stop responding …@aparnapkin
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants. …@RoobsC
M.C. Escher: Honey have you seen my glasses? Wife: They’re downstairs. Escher: Oh no … @serviceloop1
The labor shortage is so bad they are now encouraging long haired, freaky people to apply…. various
Dear Olive Garden, They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have Googled this… @alexlumaga
There are two kinds of people: people who ride the shopping cart back to the drop-off like a skateboard, and people who are dead inside … @lloydrang
Another wooden ball! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside? I have like 12 already …@mariana057
I want a headstone that says, “Sam has left the group chat” …. @SamGrittner
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future. …@WheelTod
If a dude can tape a banana to a wall and call it “art”, I can call the mustard on my blouse “jewelry” and nobody can stop me …@themicheniche
“They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.” — Dogs in therapy …. @mack44_d
Dear Kanye & Kim, Your vows were a lie. I want my toaster back. …@RickAaron
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a toddler in possession of a sippy cup, must be in want of a different color sippy cup …@deloisivete
The only real reason people get divorced: one person wants to throw the old thing away, and the other wants to keep it “as a backup” … @scottsimpson
Ohio, Maryland and New York now offer a cash lottery to incite reluctant people to get vaccinated. So for people who don’t understand science OR math ….@rmayemsinger
“Who Folded These Towels?” — a Dateline Murder Mystery….@mack44_d
And here is the winner:
Why is it “if you can’t pay rent, buy fewer lattes” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts”? … @Strandjunker
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10842500.js
Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)
Twitter @EricZorn
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