Q: A former colleague has asked me to serve as a reference. Although he’s a great guy, I don’t think very highly of his work, and would not hire him myself. How can I politely decline his request?
A: Presuming he is blissfully unaware of your assessment, it would be crushing for him to hear the truth now, particularly as he’s attempting to find gainful employment. And yet, your ethical obligation to his potential new employer is to not lie or downplay your onetime co-worker’s shortcomings. And while the truth shall set us free, your truth-telling will surely set this man free of ever landing a job at this particular company. Which puts you in an unenviable spot, since you think highly of him as a human being, though not, apparently, as an asset to any corporation.
My advice, therefore, would be to decline his request so you don’t have to breach your ethics out of the kindly motivation to be nice. Perhaps you might phrase the turndown in the following manner:
“Ted, I wish I could. I don’t feel I’m the best person to serve as a reference for you, though. Since we were colleagues only, I didn’t have the opportunity to witness your management abilities, didn’t have regular cause to encounter your work product, and only rarely observed your interactions with company leadership. Without those pieces of the puzzle, I don’t believe I have much to offer as a reference. Other than to say you are a great guy, of course!”
If he persists with his request, imploring you that he has no one else to vouch for him, take the petition under advisement. Should you agree, however, in your conversation with the hiring manager, stick to the script you gave your former fellow staffer. Your referral likely won’t be very helpful, but at least it won’t be damning either.
Q: How long is long enough for a passerby to wait before walking behind — and therefore into the frame of a photo in progress?
A: Geography certainly plays a part here. The pace of pedestrian circulation and the volume of people in a particular area provides our primary guidance for how patient a bystander can and should be. On a throbbing sidewalk or in front of a tourist-jammed point of interest, your halting traffic to allow a photograph to proceed will cause a bottleneck behind you well before the resounding announcement of “Cheese!”
As a result, your duty after pausing politely but briefly is to keep it moving.
On the other hand, if you are in a quiet area, you likely have the freedom to walk around the image frame so as not to ruin the moment. Before you scoot along, however, ask the person holding the phone if the two would like a photo together. Although strangers are often too shy to make that request of others, they will be happy they said yes once they realize they have precious few snapshots of the both of them that are not full-frame selfies.
Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, is a nationally regarded expert who appears regularly in the media to discuss modern-day etiquette dilemmas. To be featured here, send your questions to info@whatmannersmost.com and follow Thomas on Facebook, Twitter, Clubhouse and Instagram. For more insights, subscribe to his podcast, “What Manners Most.”
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