Q. My brother and sister have not been speaking with one another for a year, and I’m caught in the middle. If my brother hosts the family festivities, it’s a sure bet my sister won’t even attend. And if my sister hosts, the reverse will be true. If they hold separate parties, whichever one I choose to go to, the other one will definitely hold it against me.
My parents are getting older and I hate for them to have to see the family being torn apart this way. I’m feeling like I don’t want to celebrate at all, and wish I could just fast-forward to January. Please help!
A. Why must a holiday meant to engender joy also invoke such hurt? I’m sorry to hear of your situation; such scenarios are far too common, and they take on added resonance at this time of year.
If you are the family’s Switzerland in this equation, rather than forego the Yuletide, how about hosting the festivities yourself? By offering a neutral location for your siblings to gather, you will be preventing them from having to “cross enemy lines.”
Hold a separate conversation with your sister and brother in advance, letting them know how much you love each of them and how much it would mean to you and your parents if everyone could come together and put aside differences for a day.
If one or both decline your gracious invite — which I hope will not be the case — it will be their loss, surely, but at minimum, you will not be accused of having taken sides. However, should they both be no-shows, I encourage you to celebrate with your parents anyway, and even a few extended family members or friends, too.
Life is too short to let these sparring siblings sabotage your holiday. But with any luck, you will be salvaging the occasion, not just for yourself, but for your entire family as well.
Q. Since the pandemic started, I’ve been noticing many hotels are no longer offering daily housekeeping service. I’m not sure if this is a COVID-19 safety issue, a staffing issue or both. But I am confused now about tipping … should I leave a tip for the housekeeping staff upon my departure even if they didn’t freshen my room even once during my multi-day stay?
A. I encourage you to leave a few dollars for the housekeeper, just as you would after a single night’s stay. For in that latter scenario, although the maid would typically not have freshened your accommodations during your brief time on property, you would still leave a tip.
Our gratuities while traveling are an acknowledgment of the difficult and not-terribly-glamorous job these front-line professionals perform. Thanks to their uncelebrated work, you were, I hope, able to feel as though you had a safe and clean home while you were away from home. If that is not worth a small bit of cash, I don’t know what is.
Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, is a nationally regarded expert who appears regularly in the media to discuss modern-day etiquette dilemmas. To be featured here, send your questions to info@whatmannersmost.com and follow Thomas on Facebook, Twitter, Clubhouse and Instagram. For more insights, subscribe to his podcast, “What Manners Most.”
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