Dear Eric: I lost my husband two years ago after a long, drawn-out decline. It was a traumatic ending.
Our son, now in his late 40s, was indifferent to his father’s decline. Our son has always been a challenge. Difficult teenage years with lots of poor decisions and rebellious behavior. He did not want to be a part of our family and has adopted other families as his own. He calls other people Mom and Dad, does not call or keep in touch with us. I have accepted his decisions.
We were not bad parents. We provided a solid family life, celebrating birthdays, Christmas and vacations. We had a loving home.
When my son was 13, he started breaking the rules, smoking and selling pot, being disrespectful, skipping school and being embarrassed by us. He was not abused or neglected in any way. He called his father’s life’s work “crap” and diminished us in every way.
Now that my husband has passed, I’m in the process of making a new will. I do not wish to leave my son anything because he has disinherited us. He will be surprised that our estate is larger than he expects. He is very detached and treats me with contempt. Should I leave a letter to explain this or just let the chips fall where they may?
– No Longer Mom
Dear No Longer Mom: Leaving a letter may help clarify your intentions and motivations – though talk it through with your estate lawyer to ensure that its existence doesn’t complicate or contradict anything in your new will.
However, it seems like the primary purpose of the letter will be to grant you a sense of closure for a painfully unfair part of your life. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it may be more effective for you to let the legal documents speak for themselves – he may not be expecting anything at this point – and use your letter to just focus on how you’ve felt and what you need to say to him.
After writing it and thinking about it, you may even decide to send it sooner.
In this case, conflating the disinheritance with his dismissal of you may make the issue seem to be only about money. The real issue is the breakdown of the relationship and your feelings about that deserve to be heard clearly.
Dear Eric: I’m navigating a tricky neighborly issue and could use your insights. A few years ago, my neighbor planted a mango tree on our property line, which directly violates our HOA’s strict two-foot setback rule for fruit trees.
Now that the tree is growing rapidly, I’m concerned the future fruit will attract pests and create a nuisance. I plan to speak with her soon about the situation, potentially regarding the tree’s removal.
What’s your advice on handling this?
– Tree
Dear Tree: It seems unlikely that your neighbor shares your concern about pests and nuisances, since she planted the tree. So, I doubt she’d be inclined to remove it, especially without evidence of a problem. Right now, the only evidence of a problem is the tree’s location itself, since it violates the HOA’s rules.
Accordingly, you may want to start by asking her to have it moved before it gets too big, reminding her of the strictness of the rules. This avoids making the tree’s location a personal grievance. In an ideal scenario, this also maintains neighborly communication. However, it has the potential to backfire or draw you into an ongoing debate. The easiest course of action may be to consult your HOA. They will have a system for addressing rule violations and setting things right.
Dear Eric: This is in reference to “Growing Tired”. The letter writer’s cousin has cancer, and the chemo gives her terrible side effects. The cousin refuses to sell her home to pay for more care and the letter writer doesn’t know what to do.
It sounds like the ill cousin may be eligible for Visiting Nurse Assistant (VNA) services which are often covered by Medicare. If she’s as sick as the letter indicates, she may ultimately need hospice care, which is also provided by the VNA, and it would be a good idea to get her on service for an easier transition down the line.
The letter writer should discuss this with the cousin and the cousin’s medical team.
– RN
Dear RN: This is a good option for the letter writer to look into. There are a wide range of VNA service providers. When searching, the letter writer or the cousin should be sure to seek out an accredited service that requires all their nurses be licensed and certified. It’s also important that the VNA specialize in the kind of care the cousin needs or will need down the line.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
