The promoters of the massive Drunks Aid Concert and its companion event
–Hands Along the Bar–are addressing a problem that society has long overlooked.
”I have felt for a long time that the government`s policy of putting more and more taxes on liquor has placed a terrible hardship on the American drunk,” said Willie Hustle, head of the organizing committee, during a recent interview.
Hustle said the idea came to him while he and several companions were sitting on a curb sharing a bottle of muscatel.
”One of my friends observed that there was a time when each of us would have had our own bottle of muscatel.
”But because of years of inflation, the insensitivity of government and the greed of big business–forces over which we have no control–we were now down to our last bottle and had to pass it around.
”That`s when I said, `I wonder if people know this, if they appreciate the enormity of the problem and if they care.`
”So I decided to find out, and I was knocked out when I found out that people really are decent and caring. I spoke to people on the street, in shopping centers, in gas stations, on buses and subways, through doors opened a crack and in the highways and byways and gutters of America, and I was overwhelmed. Everyone I talked to said: `What can I do?` Except my ex-wife, of course.
”That was the big question, though–what can I do? And that is when I decided on something that had never been done before–a huge concert, broadcast by satellite, and a display of unity, the Hands Along the Bar.
”So I approached the networks and they said they thought it was a terrific idea, socially uplifting, full of sentiment, with a lot of visual possibilities, especially the scenes showing the red-eyed needy having the shakes and DTs, and they urged me to get it organized.”
I interrupted to ask which artists would perform at the concert.
”I decided that if I could get one big megastar group, others would join in. So I took a chance and approached Homicide Dan and the Cutthroats, and was lucky to catch them during a painful hangover and they said they`d do anything to help if I`d just run down to the corner and bring them a case of beer and a fifth of Southern Comfort.
”They, in turn, helped recruit other bands. Dirty Dishes said they`d be there. So did Stopped Up Toilet. And I just heard from Filthy Hamper.”
Not Filthy Hamper?
”Yes. They`re cutting their European tour short in order to take part.” What swell guys.
”They are truly sensitive and caring. So, after I got the concert lined up, I had another idea–millions of Americans in bars, joining hands in support of our cause.
”Then I thought–why limit it to the insides of the bars? Why not a human chain, from bar to bar, all across America?”
Will you have enough drunks to sustain such a chain?
”No, but we`re inviting in pot heads and tranquilizer freaks, glue sniffers and others who might be sympathetic to our cause.”
True unity.
”Right. And we expect to get millions of people who don`t drink much and even people who are against any kind of overindulgence.”
Why would they take part?
”On the chance that they might get on TV. There are people who would hold hands with a giant squid just to get on the tube.”
That`s true. But besides calling attention to the problem, what else do you hope to accomplish?
”We`re going to ask for everyone who takes part, and everyone who watches, to make a contribution so we can help those in need.”
How will you do that?
”After we deduct our administrative costs, which naturally will be considerable, we hope to have enough to buy every needy drunk in America a bottle of the beverage of his choice.”
Only one bottle?
”I can`t solve all the problems of the world, you know.”
True, and at least it`s a start. One last question: When these millions join hands and sway and sing, what will they be singing? ”We Are the World?” ”We`d Like to Teach the World to Sing?” What will your song be?
”What else–`Roll Out the Barrel . . .` ”
