Dear Ann Landers: Something that appeared in your column in 1974 prevented me from making a damned fool of myself. It also may have saved my marriage.
Foolishly I met an old flame (recently divorced) at an out-of-the-way place for lunch. I didn`t tell my husband about it but someone else saw us and passed the word. That evening my husband handed me a column he had saved since 1974. It`s quite funny, but it hit so close to home that I decided, no more secret meetings. Will you please print it again?
Ida in Idaho Falls
Dear Ida: With pleasure! The author, Judith Viorst, is a gifted writer and a nifty lady.
SECRET MEETINGS
Ellie and Marvin
Have been having secret meetings twice a week
For the past six months
But thus far failed to consummate their passion
Because
While both of them agree
That marital fidelity is not only unrealistic but irrelevant,
He has developed sharp shooting pains
In his chest, and she`s got impetigo, and
He`s got pink eye.
Ellie and Marvin
Drive 40 miles to sneaky luncheonettes
In separate cars
But have thus far done no more than heavy necking
Because
She`s developed colitis, and
He has developed these throbbing pains in his back, and
She has started biting her nails, and
He`s smoking again.
Ellie and Marvin
Yearn to have some love in the afternoon at a Motor Hotel
But have thus far only had a lot of
Coffee
Because
He is convinced that his phone is being tapped, and
She is convinced that a man in a trench coat is following her, and
He says what if the Motor Hotel catches fire, and
She says what if she talks in her sleep some night, and
She thinks her husband is acting suspiciously hostile, and
He thinks his wife is acting suspiciously nice, and
He keeps cutting his face with his double-edged razor, and
She keeps closing her hand in the door of her car, so
While both of them agree that guilt is not only neurotic but
Obsolete
They`ve also agreed to give up
Secret meetings.
What`s the story on pot, cocaine, LSD, PCP, downers, speed? Can you handle them if you`re careful? Send for Ann Landers` all-new booklet ”The Lowdown on Dope.” For each booklet ordered, send $2, plus a long, addressed, stamped envelope (39 cents postage) to Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562.
